too much

what is spledor?

Boooring! Where's the story?

Muddled. where's the story, bud?

And the coldness Mike's Pike didn't like *6*

yeah uhm...my bf broke up with me and we got back together and ... i decided to write this caused im confused...that poem is confusing too...

Soooo much better! I particulary like the paradox between scholarly sophistication and artless porn. You've also got that whole 'Mucahley Culkin goes wrong' thing at the end. I like this poem's tragic humor.

I like the "something more" that I see in this poem. The contrast between the death of a bug "as just part of beautiful nature" and the death of our own species which is something much more ugly(to us). We are willing to squash a thousand bugs(or other organisms)for every person we help. "I don't mind so much when insects explode"

Nice second stanza. How's about She carries on perfect girl shoulders, the seasons. Not our notable four, but just hers- from some other world. I'm only trying to point out the difference in style between the first and last stanzas. you should consider playing around with the first stanza, maybe go back in your mind to the image that inspired this and sketch it in a little more. Also the 'difference' line is superfluous. It doesn't fit in with either 'I don't know these names' or with the adjectives that follow. See if you like the stanza better with that line omitted.

Powerful.

If you'd cut this way down to the first stanza alone it would deserve a ten.

Inventive.

Others are attempting genuine feedback. I'll attempt the same, stipulating that this is a fine effort that I like very much. I'm most concerned with two incongruities: 1. Half-concerned. It doesn't seem to fit. The poem didn't seem to be building to the point of concern. Elated, intrigued, comfortable, satisfied -- variants on these words would seem (to me) more appropriate. When I first read the half-concerned line, I thought you were trying to draw a contrast - but I didn't know with what. It took me out of the moment. 2. Sweat. Before that point, you were painting a cool picture. Cobalt breakers, dulcet breeze, beer garden. The black and tan is warm, not hot. So why is she sweating? Nervous? Pissed that you drank her beer? I'm not saying she can't perspire, just that the day seems breezy and comfortable, not hot and sweaty.

Muy effectivo.

Sometimes it just don't work out.

I like the reflection in the back and forth views. Well-written. Have you tried this one on pathetic.org?

Great first stanza.

Sometimes life is simple. Us vs them.

The repetition is annoying and adds nothing to the impact. "I don't dream of touching a student" is rather trite. "I stop and I write" doesn't need the second I. Still a fairly good overall thought.

A good thought. "a future foretold" tends to spoil the intrigue that's otherwise there.