| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Solid Understanding (Free verse) by Dovina My words splatter like grease
the simplest puzzle eludes
I mimic old sayings
none of it true.
At such an intimate moment
please donât cast your eyes
or change expression
I fear if you do
itâs immediately lost.
Up the ladder:
Falling
Down the ladder:
The Way
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.75
Posted: August 5, 2004 1:08 PM PDT; Last modified: August 7, 2004 11:25 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.9327645 Overall Rank: 9142 Comments:
[6]
kingfisher @ 209.179.168.52
|
5-Aug-04/4:27 PM
|
Reply
Great first stanza.
I hated the ending, it would do better to rhyme.
I hate the ending when a solid piece of intuition or emotional understanding so sputters my words that he turns away. But I do need to say it more understandably. Thanks.
1) 'simplest'
2) mimic and parrot mean the same thing 3) Not sure the second verse follows on so well from 'non of it true' 4) If someone changes expression it is immediately lost, that is a truism not a fear.
1) âsimplestâ yes, thanks.
3) Could change to ânone of it sounds true,â 4) The fear is mine, not his, and I should make that clear. Thanks.
might I ask how you became so well versed in, erm, verse?
I am not particularly well versed in verse. My advice should always be superceded by someone who has studied poetry in some form or another. I get my knowledge from the prefaces of poetry books/ hatrack/ the odd philosophy module at uni/ reading criticism on here and eratosphere etc.
The inimate moment is lost not only the expression? If that is the meaning then the 2nd verse could use a bit o' rewrite. At this public moment -8-
The second verse seems to have everyone vexed. Rewrite in progress.
inimate? intimate? inmate? uh-oh.
335 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
