Stephen Robins
on some deleted poem
22 Feb 2005, 5:01 AM
Is this about the old Yugoslavian dictator? If so, it is really toss, however, if it is about one of the Jackson 5 then it is really toss.
Like a society without peasants, this poem has ideas well above those it achieves. There are too many arisions.
Dear Christ this is bad.
I mean, not just grammar bad,
Though that's a big part of it.
It's simply philosophically unsound,
Callous to the extreme,
Dangerous,
And all around poorly conceived and phrased.
To read this comment, please print it in a single line of text on a rock and fling it at your head.
I'm being absolutely serious.
So none of this 'zodiac just likes to pick out little things and ignore the blah blah blah' crap, please.
PS-I just read your comment beginning "War is bad." Consider taking some of your own advice.
These are the rough lines:
with old components, as you brush or soap,
with stranger friends who blow us off with âNope,
- I can't say what's wrong with them exactly, except the first one should probably not have a "brush or" and the second is simply too run-on to end with Nope.
I can't remember how it was before. I thought maybe better?
"But stopped because the star was not the floor" is too cute. :-(
It puts the lotion on its skin
po'erful
A shoe with a head? What the fuck ever!
Jesus, two mad/sad rhymes in one post. -2-
zodiac
on Help me find a poet (This is an actual question, not a poem) by Plaidypus
22 Feb 2005, 6:31 AM
Jeremi B. Handrinos
Before reading this poem, I didn't know war was bad.
the whole metaphor is a bit silly, and that is good.
and that rhyme at the end is funny, heart to choke
never to bloom artichoke. I like artichoke hearts in a nice oily pasta salad, virgin and salami, some garden fresh cherry tomatoes and buffalo mozzarella, fresh of course.
what?????
Fucking hilarious. Hits so close to home. 10
ugh
not too carefully, I hope, or that 300 dismissal lingers, smoking a camel, right around the corner!
I wonder about the words "venerated" and "fiasco", and whether you might not find something that crystalizes what you mean there a bit better.
This was an absolute delight to read. It purred down the screen, finely oiled, smelling vaguely of Big Mac droppings and fat cubans.
Your hair was dark and short. Nice touch. Just excellent writing and a 10
When are you due back to AP? Are you even coming back? I hope so. Things have grown a bit dull in your absence, and in the void you left, I am being attacked by all the illiterate teeny boppers, "U R an Ass. Do you get off mAkIng fun of kids with ADD?" etc etc etc...Also, I have some problems with the sound on my PC, so can't listen to the music you send me. Shame that. Trying to remedy
and the wormy piles of colons strewn across the land
glistened
like thin wet rats
and nobody listened.
the side of the bus read "fuck off" and so i did,
and spilled my drippings
on the bloody red madness of the day
in a skirt
Um, oops?
I like the thought; think perhaps the poem would work better if you just started it at "I used to always think", maybe ending one with one last line summarizing the cut lines--"I grieve for those lost days"