Caducus
on some deleted poem
26 Apr 2005, 6:16 AM
long distance love is a real fucker.
That last haiku seems really awkward and out of place with the other two.
"will we/they ever see the truth?" is the most overused and senseless line in all of poesy.
The last line kills it. Happiness is not at the bottom of a bottle.
The last line double negative doesn't cut it. "I only find in dreams, and yesterday" is good, sans the comma. Some strange lines, like 5 - 7. Almost wish you'd begin with verse 3.
Huge.
Huge.
Huge.
Huge.
Huge.
And yours is better...how? Your brilliant recreation is NOT a Villanelle, so comparing the two proves quite difficult!
I really like the idea behind this (and especially the first stanza) but the word choice could be better. The words feel a little mundane. It doesn't quite flow together.
Aside from some typos, I really, really, really like the first two stanzas. After that, it's like, "I get it. Don't throttle it."
Great song lyrics. Do you play an instrument? 9
Love "darkened yellow". Wished you could stray from "cry" and "high" rhyme scheme, but still was pulled in by beautiful line geometry anyhoo....8.3
I kind of get where you're coming from...but to make it more accessible (without, I think, losing your mysteriousness)...omit the capitalized "Sweet" and "Endeavor" and maybe replace with more concrete sentiment...i.e. colors/places/smells that are real to you...will make your excellent last two lines more meaningful. So close.
2nd line...should be "you're" instead of "your". You have so much feeling here...try to relate it to us in real language...pretend like you are telling your best friend how you feel in this poem in real words, instead of trying to "write a poem." Because I think you can. More, please.
Don't try so hard. Plus, you forgot "anvil" and "tranquil."
This is good, really. But something I just noticed is that all the sentences you write have essentially the same structure. At least, if they don't have the same structure, they sound really similar. Yes, I know here (and in another of your recent ones I just read) you're doing it on purpose. But it doesn't seem to work for me, not the intentional repetition (unaware/aware) nor the unintentional (strings of noun phrases and compound predicates with nary a subject in sight.)
Still, this is good.
You should make the hyphenation consistent. What about "worry-stricken" and "lightning-eyed"?