ChaseValentine
on lost... by Tineke
27 Apr 2005, 2:51 PM
Linkin Park? Is that you?
ABAB rhyme schemes are almost never good. It comes off as forced.
I'm not sure if this is a poem about Furries or Pagans. Either way.
I really like this. This has the nice intimate touches that all poems should have. But what I got lost in was the (I assume intentional) rambling structure.
For instance, when I first read "the first time you threw up it was all Tootsie Rolls/Southern Comfort/cat hair," I read it as one unbroken thought, which made me wonder why someone would be throwing up cat hair.
I like this: "she wept for her baptism/throughout the exorcism/of demons as she came."
And this: "Song birds died on yolkless shells/The Atlantic left my shore/Leaving rotting shells"
A lot.
But there's got to be a better way to say "innards of emptiness" and the first two lines of the last stanza sort of tell the audience what they should already know from the rest of the poem, you know?
Yes.
Right...
Better.
Eh.
Nice.
I'm not sure if you need a question mark at the end or not, but this was good either way.
"life changes, love doesn't." Think of how things sound if you read aloud. Didn't affect my vote, but I thought I'd mention it. -7-
As far a poems go, this is a dud.
Okay, a tip about poetry. Write like your on crack and seeing funny shit. In other words be inventive.
I have to wonder, what the hell were you smoking? I can't even begin to tell you all the things that irritated me about this. Try not to use the same words repeatedly(Like 'many' for one example, there are plenty of other words that mean the exact same thing). I liked what I thought you were trying to get at here, but I hated how you tried to get there. -4-
The line breaks could be better.
2nd stanza is incredible. Why 5 lines in the other two stanzas? Why not just keep the lines "Kneeling and bleeding to death" and "I was your temple-worship Hand me down" as one line instead of two. I think the writing is better than the form here. Still a 10 in my book.
<3 Jason
***Jawless comrades
***Gape at us with
***Broken, edited teeth.
Damn good images in this. Some of them bloody as hell, but damn good.
I don't wish to be rude but... are you really doing an MA? This is at once very different from other stuff you've written (which is good) and still absolutely awful What the HELL is a meta-goal? You have just heard the word 'meta', haven't you, and now you're using it whenever possible. But you seem to have forgotten the important 'meta', which is at the heat of that stuff we call poetry - metaphor - the use of which would prevent the production of streams of unmediated claptrap like this.