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Swirls of light... (Other) by DevilTmptrss
Swirls of light and dark inside my head close in on me, I am dead. Flowers of thought and dream crushed by the feet of everything. Walk the straight line, never fails crumbles to ashes, everyone bails. Powder of death sits in mouth, no water to wet it, no way out. Bitter and dull, sitting in chains, eyes stiched with black and festering veins. Reaching and wanting, grasping for straws, everyone wants some, break out the claws. Crying and weak, nowhere to go, freedom is gone, everywhere no. Feet paralyzed and broken no way of speaking, nothing spoken.

Up the ladder: Summer Forever
Down the ladder: I SHALL NOT

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
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Arithmetic Mean: 3.7777777
Weighted score: 4.388889
Overall Rank: 13012
Posted: July 10, 2002 12:12 AM PDT; Last modified: July 10, 2002 12:12 AM PDT
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Comments:
[7] meror @ 152.163.206.206 | 10-Jul-02/12:30 AM | Reply
worth spending more time over
[2] nentwined @ 192.168.0.69 | 11-Sep-02/9:02 PM | Reply
erm. some work on punctuation and flow would help this; it seems to fall into a rut with the rhythm, and then falter even from that.
[2] ChaseValentine @ 199.79.168.160 | 27-Apr-05/2:48 PM | Reply
ABAB rhyme schemes are almost never good. It comes off as forced.
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