poemranker ::Swirls of light... by DevilTmptrss

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Other № 3747

Swirls of light...

by DevilTmptrss

Member since 2002 · Posted 10 Jul 2002 · 3 comments

Swirls of light and dark inside my head close in on me, I am dead. Flowers of thought and dream crushed by the feet of everything. Walk the straight line, never fails crumbles to ashes, everyone bails. Powder of death sits in mouth, no water to wet it, no way out. Bitter and dull, sitting in chains, eyes stiched with black and festering veins. Reaching and wanting, grasping for straws, everyone wants some, break out the claws. Crying and weak, nowhere to go, freedom is gone, everywhere no. Feet paralyzed and broken no way of speaking, nothing spoken.

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mean 3.78 weighted 4.39 rank 12994 views 145 View voting details →

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3 comments

[7] meror 10-Jul-02/12:30 AM Reply
worth spending more time over
[2] nentwined 11-Sep-02/9:02 PM Reply
erm. some work on punctuation and flow would help this; it seems to fall into a rut with the rhythm, and then falter even from that.
[2] ChaseValentine 27-Apr-05/2:48 PM Reply
ABAB rhyme schemes are almost never good. It comes off as forced.