Dovina
on We'll be right back after these messages by INTRANSIT
2 Jan 2006, 12:12 PM
Depressing. Take a long walk.
The comma in "across the lot, the city sways" seems misplaced, as if it should be two sentences, either a period after trash, or after lot.
The dash in march-wind can go I think.
In the last verse, you start with "we" and switch jarringly to "I" as if the collective opinion affects what you believe.
The mirror makes it feel like flying away to something no better that the city with its faults. Maybe that's what you wanted, or maybe another word, not mirror. Also, "could step out and away" seems cluttered and reducible without ill effect to "step away . . ."
I like this a lot, up to near the end. Try ending it like this:
and so I continue to
knock
at the iron door
I don't think the rest of it helps.
Sunspangled? Maybe you mean sunlight spangled.
What about something like this:
It is a dizzying day in the city.
A March-wind flirting sings
in a standpipe in a lot I'm passing by
where children used to play.
Now the sun flickers behind a fence.
And in my heart I yearn to cross that lot,
and again on my return, but donât,
knowing in my heart its current kings
are cold and stern.
I remember when I was younger and wished I could change the world and how the commonness of American complacency drove me crazy. If you wanna beat the system, buy some stock in NC construction Co.s and when you get rich buy yourself a lot for children to play in.
Hm, I like your more modern-voiced poems a little better. But kudos for the title and Richard III reference.
I'm with Dovina: the transition from winter to full summer needs more transitioning. Yes, it's jarring and juxtaposed. No, I don't think that helps the poem.
Otherwise, good. I'm glad you stuck around after all.
Say "fucking". Or, better yet, don't use swear-words (or half-swear-words) at all. This beating-around-the-bush is kind of wack.
Insane is misspelled. Very funny.
Cute.
Hey, you've got my vote.
How deep are the depths of the riches and the wisdom and the knowledge of God!
silence of memories haunted ur poem ...nice job
pretty swell.
The city kids must have moved to the suburbs because a "fence" could never keep one of us out of our favorite play grounds. On one hand you suggest that something was built on the lot, on the other you paint a picture of an empty lot surrounded by a fence. Which one is it? The last paragraph is vague at very best. Are you attempting to highlight the common man's powerlessness in the face of âprogressâ or your own sense of indifference?
"bobby sock pick tailed girls" I won't even ask.
Spelling, punctuation, grammar!!
creative perspective
forced rhymes.
The rhymes seem mostly unforced, and the first verse is good. Verses 2 and 3 add little to the meaning, and they flow less well.
I like the idea of this, "Shouting for a sight to see" when the realization stikes "a claim to call on the silence of our memories" as a better thing to do than looking for some sight to see. Maybe that's not what you meant, but I like it.