Dovina
on Unspoken by Heather2119
1 Jan 2006, 7:34 AM
Good material for a poem here. You just need to write a poem about it, and get the grammar straight.
"Darkling" means "in the dark." So how can the day grow dimmer when it's already dark? Also, if the cedar tree is snowy, and it's branches sway in the breeze, why is there no mention of snow falling in the face of someone lying under it?
It flows well, but I can't get past illogic.
I like.
This is really good--what more needs to be said?
Should "shred" be "shed," and "whiddle" be "whittle?" confusing.
I know a passionate man who speaks in apparent lies and nonsense to let me know his feelings, because feelings mean more to him than making sense. If this is something like what you want to say, I think you could refine it into something more compelling.
"again"
leave out "once"
Very sketchy, but good.
Very joyous and alive, it's a pleasure to read :-) I liked the 'gilded' in the first verse; it makes sense.
I don't care much for
"We are of the earth, they sing,
the earth is our body, the earth
is our religion.", as it seems to introduce a streak of penny-philosophy into the poem.
The last three lines are lovely though, and I found myself smiling as I finished reading.
I'm not with this style (sestina), but it looks difficult, and for that you get a 9.
I'm sorry. I meant I'm not familiar with this style (sestina)--you still get a 9.
Ah ha! a baseball convert. Welcome to the world of interchangable heroes (free agency).
This is good. I like its rhythm--and the power of the last stanza.
I agree. Line 2 is really good--the rest is confusing.
Happy New Year Elderking. May the new year bring you all that your heart desires..... except ghosts. (unless you really want them.) :-)
reading it made me feel achy? an empty longing? something along those lines I can't put into words.
I liked all but the last 3 lines.
you've described perfectly an "unhearing" person I knew...he never did "hear" me. enjoyed
Wound the world?
Rewrite all of this so it's like the fourth verse.