regarding some deleted poem...	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.134	3-Mar-06/7:19 AM
I actually added it to my favorites!
Re: Beauty, sleeping by Ranger	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.134	3-Mar-06/7:55 AM
This is much more pulled together than the other one! (good editing! Hard to do, sometimes!) It is still alittle awkward right there...needs a smoother transition...maybe something like>? So I left her to stamp and hurl lettuces And the fairies danced To cast a spell at me I dodged and she slept for a hundred years
Re: Spring Rolls by Ranger	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.134	3-Mar-06/8:21 AM
'of sunshine and rain Containing a multitude of colours Strands of flowers' That's good. To savour the spicy aftertaste Of summer And, that's good.
Re: Meltdown by longships	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Mar-06/8:22 AM
Don't let the rhymes drive the poem (send iron and steel to boil is a good example--awkward and wordy, just because you wrote to the rhyme). Watch for over-familiar terms like "wreak havoc"--generally, if use a term you later realize you've read elsewhere a gazillion times , change it. How does something flow "gracelessly"? Good topic, but could use more moodiness.
Re: Epistemology (2nd draft) by Ranger	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.134	3-Mar-06/8:34 AM
Favorite lines and/or good rythm: Romancing time for peace of mind before his deadly fall to him so fast It crashed and got itself buried in the distant past He clears his mind and considers this Despite the vicious lure of the coffin's hole Rene Descartes fled with his immortal soul Sadly for him, his arrogance showed through He would not run from the State(,) so he paid his due In the bitter cell from which he would not flee The ghost of Christmas Nevermore popped round/ for a cup of hemlock tea It's much too much, it's far too far, Pretence gave up and screamed Take a side, consider well, you can't sit on the fence Because there(')s no(t) such a thing as normal common sense The choice is yours to face the truth/ here within your head But do you at all believe/ a single word I said?
Re: Mannequin (draft) by Ranger	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.134	3-Mar-06/8:38 AM
I like this! The last stanza is not as well-formed as it might have been, but overall I like this.
Re: A Short Letter by Ranger	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.134	3-Mar-06/8:46 AM
I liked this right up till "so much coarser"! The rythm is a simplistic one, the rhymes predictable, but it's good, anyway! I would respectfully suggest a fitting ending, that would do this justice.
Re: Frozen Angel by Ranger	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.134	3-Mar-06/8:55 AM
Favorite places: Whose timeless eyes of long-lost years will watch and wait and show But her day to be praised came centuries ago .... 2nd stanza could be really good with some work. The rythm is just a minute twitch off. ........ stanza 3: I had to giggle at...witty thought. .... stanza 4 the rythm is good...the last line didn't work for me, though. seemed cheesy.
Re: Am I Still Here? by Ranger	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.134	3-Mar-06/9:06 AM
Some good images...made me smile...rather disjointed, but consistantly so! I like alot of the lines, the last 8, particularly, sit well.
Re: The North Wind by Ranger	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.134	3-Mar-06/9:19 AM
First two lines> good! Some good lines sprinkled here and there. It is not the best poem ever written, but you did attempt to say this 'coming of age' type thing in a unique way. I like the title choice...and to compare the north wind with a longing for a realized need for warmth...that's original.
regarding some deleted poem...	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Mar-06/9:21 AM
Lots of pulses--how about a beat here and there instead? ;-) Think you could cut some words here and there too (I almost always think that though)--e.g., "the placement of her" (I knew her fingertips . . . hand, the pulsing of her heart . . .), etc. "Her heart pulsed at her back" is a bit disconcerting; made me think of Alien. "Warm blood cooly"? I think cutting some of the extraneous narrative would make this a lot more powerful.
regarding some deleted poem...	richa 81.178.217.160	3-Mar-06/9:26 AM
Plagiarist. :(
Re: Pine Boxes (revised) by Joe-joe	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Mar-06/9:34 AM
As noted, "reign" (and, yeah, lose "supreme") For me, the questions are distracting.
regarding some deleted poem...	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Mar-06/9:37 AM
Food and sex, what's not to like? ;) Why the quotes and why "kandy"? cholcolate s/b chocolate The ending falls a little flat for me, but, erm, sweet. ;)
regarding some deleted poem...	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.117.10	3-Mar-06/9:40 AM
wow...I liked this. It held my attention, in a suspectful, hold-your-breath sort of way. Although it's been said before, and in somewhat the same way, it held its own. Word choice could be polished up a bit, though. ie:her back reads like a pulse IN her back, not drawing her back...also, maybe throwing in a beat or some racing veins, or some throbbing...warm blood lulling her to calm, or warm blood racing to pull her calm...something like that would have worked better than 'coolly'.
Re: A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Mar-06/9:46 AM
Atlas, dreaming of a burden lifting--nice. do you need the "silent toast"--maybe just go w/ beacon lit? Could the mist. . . this gets a little garbled: could the mist . . . avail him (a flowing turn of white?)(verb form of avail can be transitive or intrasitive, so doesn't necessarily need an object but, nonetheless, this doesn't parse well. I like the idea and the imagery a lot.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 69.175.32.104	3-Mar-06/10:21 AM
Light and whimsical. Why the ". . . " throughout? I don't see them adding anything.
Re: Whalecrack by wlshepherd	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Mar-06/11:00 AM
Some good soundplay but good nonsense poems make you want to believe they make sense. This just comes off as random garble.
Re: =, <>, & . . . by Dovina	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Mar-06/11:10 AM
To quibble with your whimsy: A full stop (period) isn't always a real end. As often, something related follows. Ellipses indicate a different type of omission than does etcetera (the latter is "more of the same"; the former just indicates something was taken away). A semicolon is more often used in place of a conjunction than as an interruption; it's a link between two close elements. Dashes don't always indicate answers--sometimes they're interruptions.
Re: Under the Spoon by MacFrantic	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Mar-06/11:14 AM
Funny. I don't mind random rhyming, but it gets awkward here and there--might kill some of the "just to rhyme" rhymes. Good flow and funny, like "under the spoon" as opposed to knife; yeah, alligator not quite it so you need a more punchy ending, IMO. Cool.