Re: The Best Thing I Ever Had by faithmairee	Niphredil 192.117.117.50	12-Mar-06/12:19 PM
That's a real lyric, not pretend poetry posing as one. It also feels very tangible; I think I would enjoy listening to this in my car, driving home at dusk.
Re: The Devil's Carnival by Ranger	faithmairee 209.240.205.61	12-Mar-06/12:25 PM
The pleasure was mine. You get a 10 from me for such a great poem!
Re: Gone Bad by faithmairee	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-Mar-06/12:31 PM
Unlike about 95% of the lyrics on this site I actually want to hear this one sung. Same applies to the rest of your lyrics...I never thought I'd say that here!
Re: Nightfall by Niphredil	ecargo 63.22.20.183	12-Mar-06/12:34 PM
Beautiful. "And now that it is late and I am free, I cannot bring myself to turn and go . . ."
Re: i prefer steadfast by skaskowski	Niphredil 192.117.117.50	12-Mar-06/12:36 PM
I love visualizing poems, and this one ain't no exception. It's beautiful.
Re: We Do Not Write About by faithmairee	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-Mar-06/12:46 PM
This is good - strong and concise. I would change the 'souls' in stanza 2; the rhyme there shifts the focus of the reader (well, of this reader anyway!) and I don't think the repetition works. Other than that, stanza 2 is excellent in my opinion - and so true! You might consider changing 'bothersome' to simply 'bother'...let the 'sometimes' do the all the work there. It won't make perfect grammatical sense (and there are poets here who prefer good grammar and logic) but it would flow a little easier. It's down to your preferences though, of course. Last two lines are awesome...out of curiosity, 'stirrings' made me also think 'strings' (of our souls) - was that intentional?
Re: Spoken word (draft) by Adriaan	faithmairee 209.240.205.61	12-Mar-06/1:17 PM
i like a beginning and an ending, too...this left me scratching my head...in wonder
Re: Divorcing Tennessee by Dovina	faithmairee 209.240.205.61	12-Mar-06/1:27 PM
i like poems that tell a story and this one was very good. I enjoyed it alot.
Re: i realize by http://robynhood	http://robynhood 216.209.139.68	12-Mar-06/3:39 PM
in my mind as i read this everything is still a blur
Re: The Devil's Carnival by Ranger	drnick 24.176.22.254	12-Mar-06/6:15 PM
Another good one, nice title...my favorite line is one of the repeated lines, "flashing lights become a string of pearls," because its so gosh darn purdy. back to homework.
Re: Crowded by INTRANSIT	matt door 65.32.138.73	12-Mar-06/6:26 PM
Common repetition?
Re: Boundaries by Dhanesh M Kumar	matt door 65.32.138.73	12-Mar-06/6:33 PM
Jubilant dolphin? Passionate bird? Giraffe's head? Erase this whole thing and start over.Sorry so harsh - but this really needs work.
Re: i realize by http://robynhood	matt door 65.32.138.73	12-Mar-06/6:48 PM
Read this aloud before you post it next time - sounds quite improper - does it not? Thought and emotion are placed well - but grammar and meter is quite lacking.
Re: i want to know how the japanese type by hendrimike	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.109	12-Mar-06/10:44 PM
Well I don't want to see Brokeback Mountain either, but the poem could do with a little more thought, some rhyme or rhythm, or beautiful language.
Re: i realize by http://robynhood	Ranger 62.252.32.15	13-Mar-06/5:14 AM
Not bad, but it needs work. Stanza 1: First line is great but would profit from more imaginative language (give a bit of colour to it). Line two "your" should be "you're". "In confused nature" sounds too much like you're trying to be pseudo-philosophical. Stanza 2: again the first line isn't bad, but it gets meaningless with the second line. 'When together we're apart...' is fine, but 'when together we're apart and away' loses any real sense. It seems like you meant something else but didn't quite make it work as you intended. Stanza 3 is a little cliched - try and replace 3/4 of the lines with something a little more original. Stanza 4 is good. Hope these suggestions are of some use.
Re: Boundaries by Dhanesh M Kumar	Ranger 62.252.32.15	13-Mar-06/5:23 AM
Either there's a hidden genius in this that I am blind to (entirely possible)...or you really do need to make some serious grammatical corrections. 'Four walls fortifying the realm(s?)' is good, 'make it to yell' is not. 'To yell' is the infinitive, and so in this context shouldn't be used with 'make it', which is present active. The three lines after that...I don't really know what they mean. 'The nature's statue that which bonds' could work, but needs punctuating. '...statue - that which bonds...' or something like that. The rest of the stanza sort of work although 'crinkle' would sound better as 'crinkling'. Stanza 3 - 'migrates' and 'divulges', as you are talking about a first person singular subject for both. I like the ending to it though. But I still have to ask - what does it all mean?
Re: Desolation by Beyond_Dreams	Ranger 62.252.32.15	13-Mar-06/5:25 AM
Kind of defiant which is nice to see. The problem with it, though, is that it's all been written before. For example, 'broken dreams' makes me assume you listen to Green Day. If you could make this something new and innovative it would work well.
Re: Spoken word (draft) by Adriaan	Ranger 62.252.32.15	13-Mar-06/5:27 AM
Decent fragment, the idea's pretty good - but I'm curious as to where you're going with it.
Re: The Tale of Hominus Ominus by Blue Magpie	Ranger 62.252.32.15	13-Mar-06/5:34 AM
Pretty nifty, a decent tale of the human condition. It certainly takes courage to write something this lengthy and search for plenty enough rhymes without turning the reader off; you manage it very well. Stanza 5 was the best.
Re: Today's Spam by nentwined	Ranger 62.252.32.15	13-Mar-06/7:34 AM
Ha! I never get these though, either my email is too obscure, or the hotmail junk filter is supreme ¬.¬