Ranger
on slice of moonlight by lmp
17 Apr 2006, 11:25 PM
'Stabile' jarred, the rest is wonderful.
Good use of the Terza Rima rhyme scheme, without seeming forced.
rides (comma) sticks? and cuts/clips? thst's it for my nits.
Thoroughly enjoyed! Warped as the world and a little too much truth.
Why have I not read this one before? It's gorgeous. Killer final line.
Other than "scalding" and the pie, ace in my book. Simple in all the best of ways.
Simple and vivid=good. "Then watched her" in the second verse is a little confusing.
The last line is a bit tame. I like the enjambment in the main, my mood/changes especially.
Some good connections: scalding frost, cuts like a cigar. scend gone like a left-out pie. Spring sprung. Good.
The enjambed verses don't work for me. You can do that, but only if a new thought begins in the new verse.
I think you mean botching.
A yummy cautionary poeme--most light and flaky (like the fabled Cream-horne of Jesu, I imagine). The footnotes were the cherry on the treat.
What? No votes? Even beardless and guntless, very funny (though not as funny as a "cream-horne of Jesu"--but what is?).
I used "gunt" (the word, not the unsightly appendage) in conversation the other day.
This is good. There are a couple of parts you lose me though (I don't want an explanation).
'Found somewhere in the trunk
Then watched her while it fell again'
and
'He poked a stick down through
The pot and nailed it to the ground
Then he stood and waited'
i cannot vote on the poem here, but i do give the waaaaaay off-topic thread above a "10" because its absudity made me laugh harder than i have in a long, long time.
note of caution: making more "middle-eastern" commentary may result in poemranker being shut down by the department of homeland security as a <insert t-word here> cell.
lol! nicely done
You don't live in Cardiff, do you?
Nicely descriptive, and the lack of narrative (story, whatever) is fine, but while reading it I kept reaching for more of a--well, not a point, exactly, but some sort of earlier payoff. The point seems to be the longing, and I think the last stanza gets there (to that payoff point), but the lead-up is a little too scene-setty for me. I think less of a linear approach might work, e.g., starting off with "it was better before the fog burned off;
at least the mystery of what may be hidden
within was appealing."
The usual disclaimers here.
Pulitzer (announced today) for poetry goes to Claudia Emerson for _Late Wife,_ - "Epistolary poems about losing love and finding it again." http://www.nytimes.com/ref/arts/pulitzer
Math poem fans: "Gregory K. Pincus, a screenwriter and aspiring children's book author . . . wrote a post on his GottaBook blog (gottabook.blogspot.com) two weeks ago inviting readers to write "Fibs," six-line poems that used a mathematical progression known as the Fibonacci sequence to dictate the number of syllables in each line. Then, last Friday, . . . slashdot.org . . . linked to Mr. Pincus's original post, and suddenly, it seemed, Fibs were sprouting all over the Internet."
Story here: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/14/books/
Very nice, although the cake passage seemed like it could have done with a little more time cooking. Personally I'd have used 'Sunshine richness/Of six yolks for a cake', and not used 'beaten'. It really doesn't fit well. 'Whisked', maybe?
Second stanza is great, as are the last four lines. I can only assume your boy is on the road to literary feats too!
As an aside, I did a glosa based on your 'Blueprint', I'd be curious to hear what you think of it.