A_Dark_Calm
on With Old Light by Ranger
29 Aug 2006, 2:11 PM
Wonderful.
I think 'beastial' should be 'bestial', but I could be wrong.
Nice enough, maybe it would benefit from 'computer' being replaced with something else that fits the more traditional feel? The only other question I have is about the final line - is it addressed directly to her/him? If so, it would work better with punctuation ("for, my love, I'll already be there"). If it's just that you've played with word order ("I'll already be there for my love") then it just feels a little strained currently.
The rest of the poem is fine :-)
Really good read. I swear I've seen the same title somewhere else before though.
Inane.
Hi Dovina, your poems have always been some of my favs...Bethy :)
Should I laugh? :) good poem, Bethy
I know guys like this. Wish you'd decide on rhyme or nonrhyme.
Millay would have made it rhyme. Check it out.
Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink
Nor slumber nor a roof against the rain;
Nor yet a floating spar to men that sink
And rise and sink and rise and sink again;
Love can not fill the thickened lung with breath,
Nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone;
Yet many a man is making friends with death
Even as I speak, for lack of love alone.
It well may be that in a difficult hour,
Pinned down by pain and moaning for release,
Or nagged by want past resolution's power,
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,
Or trade the memory of this night for food.
It may well be. I do not think I would.
Hair (Haiku)
My cricketing togs
I shed (including vest), when
The Pakis declare*.
*-i.e., jihad.
I think the thirteenth line should read.. 'seem' instead of seemed. Apart from that.... it's beautiful.
And welcome to Poemranker.
I'm sure it's a tramatic event, but something is lost to me in the poetry. She (I assume she) is in your arms with her wrists cut opened, and she's alive enough to shed tears and talk of angels. Then she dies. And the only concern exoressed in the poem is that no words came to the narrator. It seems that action to stop the bleeding would be a greater concern. So there is something going on that I'm not getting from the poem.
No comma after discovered.
Comma after fields.
Period after lakeside.
Temove "so."
Replace the colon with a comma.
At least it makes more sense to me that way.
I must disagree with Ranger on the last line of verse 1, simply because I was laughing there.
Put a space before Hanky.
I don't like "dirty ole' girl" - sounds contradictory.
"I danced like a pro" sounds conceited, though I know what you mean.
Other than that, a fine fling and a fine ending.
A couple of typos - 'Twas and 'peeked'. Other than that...HA! I just wish you'd change the last line of stanza one to something more subtle; that was the only line I wasn't laughing at.
Good god--who ARE you? This is brilliant. I think Owen would have found it hilarious. I do. Terrific, very "'rankerish" spoof.
From Owen to Davies--how eclectically you spoof. Clever. ;)
Hi Ranger. :)
I need to really read this and think about it (when has that ever stopped anyone from commenting?), but initial impressions:
metaphors are all over the place and too disconnected from one another. Some common thread to pull it together, subtle or otherwise, would give this better continuity and ground it or center it or whatever. But some excellent lines and images ("rusted gateway of a silly notion").