Sing4Jesus!
on Toe Jam Poem by EDNA by Edna Sweetlove
13 Oct 2006, 3:51 PM
God will make you suffer for this
there's always a market for flatulence.
who?
Yes! You know I love this one, how could I not? I agree that your title could be better, but it's just a title. I also agree with nyp on the first stanza, but I would change it to:
For she left me and (she/then) wandered off
While I sat there in despair
For she left me and (she/then) wandered off
And never told me where
And, again, agreeing with nyp (guy is giving some tastey advice), the last line should be "With no road back to me". Other than that I like every fucking letter of this poem. nice!
The 3-line verse,(verse 4?) would make a stronger beginning, preceending the beginning/end philosophy, I think. Then in the middle it gets a bit wordy, but comes back near the end to the wolf and a surprise ending.
Too many inverted sentences but good cadence.
very nice imagery.
one grammar issue though. unless there's some other reason for line 3 being the way it is, i think "It lay next to the ring I had given her," would make much more sense.
The following link explains why:
http://www.bartleby.com/64/C003/0192.htm
Yes, nice. I like the opening stanza, although I think Dovina might have a point about getting a bit prosaic from 'Chills run you through...' to 'bathroom mirror'. After all, you start with the trademark 'Everyone mentions the weather', which has a really smooth beat to it - ONE-two-three ONE-two-three ONE-two (with the final 'two' being slightly more emphasised than the previous twos), so to lose/abandon that musical quality seems a shame, especially in a longer piece like this. Not that you have to stick to that rhythm for the entire piece, of course, but you know what I mean. No complaints with the content; I was intrigued to see 'a day deconstructed' (nice line, by the way) as I'm currently destroying my soul trying to write a poem inspired by/for Derrida.
However...given the first stanza (and the title of 'wolf journal'...and the fact I'm something of a Tolkien freak) I kind of hoped this would have a little more fantastical imagery. Maybe an alternative version could run that way?
Computer generated? if so - a nine, otherwise (not)
line breaks are odd, IT; pieces of this I like alot, but it doesn't flow for me.
trade more active verbs with "hold" "goes", "meet".
Missed opportunities, make all the words worth something.
My gawd. Prepositional phrases are insane in this. I've toned down picking on this pet peeve of mine (it's an epidemic) but look at the first two stanzas:
"in black";
"from hooded crown".
"about holy comforter"
"in muted terror",
"down the steps" "to damnation".
"beneath Spartan covers"
and on it goes - all these short prep phrases make a droning, list-like flow and creates layers of complexity in the reader's mind as they build the relationships between images.
If you can get past the need to lay things out in this blueprintedly verbose way then your poetry will advance significantly .
Lines like "infinite lies" tell us you have not yet settled upon what you want to say.
Sing4Jesus!
on A Prayer For God's Soldiers As They Kill For Him by Edna Sweetlove
13 Oct 2006, 3:50 PM
Yes! Yes! Yes! Jesus is there with you! He loves it when those Ay-rabs get killed! He loves it when Yank soldiers pray and sing him their lovely gospel nigra songs!
Not much about Jesus here, is there?
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Nice idea, could do with a little more punctuation.
Line one - 'then'?
first person perspective kills this; try this as a character piece.
I assum this refers to the sins of the flesh on a cash basis. Whores of babylon will perish!
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As a story it's fine, other than needing a run through with the grammar comb. As a poem it needs rhythm and some poetic devices. Onomatopoeia would be nice in this...'Old hinges create old sounds' - but you haven't actually given me any sounds. Same with the footfalls; you've told me what's there but not made me hear it.
Don't like 'pseudo sleep', it's too Greek for a poem which is otherwise (Spartan aside) fairly Latinate in tone. It's also too unpoetic for my tastes; find a more original, interesting way of saying it. That's my take on it, in any case.
Anyway, this probably isn't of much use to you.