INTRANSIT
on Wind By Any Other Name by Edna Sweetlove
12 Oct 2006, 7:34 AM
Still at it I see.
Now I can die enlightened.
awwwww. this belongs on a hallmark card.
minor grammar correction: _an_ acrid smell.
otherwise, i like it.
what's with not saying the name?
otherwise lovely.
This starts to move at line four.
melt not melted. anasthetic?
the ambulance was a mothers mother, no?
The end should loop back to the beginning. Tinker with it. It's in there.
I'm not sure where you're going with this. You're rid of do/does except for line 6 - I can't see a reason for it. It feels pseudo-archaic, is that the intention? I love the title, and also the repetition of 'forgive', it's kind of a sarcastic petition to a lord/lady/deity. Just the language feels uncertain.
Line one delete- to me and insert 2 dashes
same for line four (I wrote her) can go for two dashes.
Drop (noticing), drop laid,drop yet,drop and.
There's still something missing from the parts dealing with your father. Can't pinpoint it yet. Good to see you still plugging away. Fuckin' rough aint it?
This is screaming out for iambic rhythm, or at least a gentle bobbing to make my head go up and down. Use the rhythm to imitate the losing of sanity, or the melting of right and wrong. As it stands it feels like prose. Good prose, but prose nonetheless. I love the ideas within, it just wants caching out.
This gives me an image of a person still trying to grasp the concept of caring for another person, but still arrogant as fuck.
There are still many people like that out wondering
how things went wrong, and why.
Good sense of how the modern man is still confused about real principals.
Like the play of words in the title - corps/corpse. Could turn this into a zombie poem if you tried, still carrying the same message. Typo throughout - "ones" ("'" for possessive or compounding). I think there should be a comma in line 21 between 'me' and 'I'm'. 'Buy at Target'? Is there a pun there that I'm missing? Decent write though.
"Love'll we"?
yeah - i enjoy frying them up with some cheese.
Isn't "sucks" some sort of description. I'm sure you could elaborate. Until then,
this poem sucks
no way describe it
(Other than that it sucks, of course)
i like the structure. i agree with ranger about the name.
absolutely beautiful. things i think could be improved:
no need to title it bitter, that makes me think of beer as much as anna's ghost.
For she left and wandered off would fit the rhythm better without the word me.
With no road back to me should really be the last line. bitterness of the sort described is really such a selfish sentiment, ending on any word other than "me" is practically a crime.
of course, this is all just basically me nitpicking. i love the poem. love it.
to have the word "thee" followed shortly thereafter by the word "socio-emotional" shows the inconsistency of language use here. every work has some inconsistencies, but the language and grammar of this one is really all over the place.
the last couple lines feel like they belong more in the beginning section. i also got the feel of prose from this, as if it were organized more based on convention and the order of events than on sound, rhythm, feeling or any deeper sort of meaning. i like much of the sound and language, as well as the story itself. the ordering of events just doesn't quite work for me, doesn't evoke feeling the way some poems do.
the repetition doesn't really work for me here. when i read only the parts in each verse that come before "welcome to my culture," i like the poem a whole lot better. repetition of that sort is supposed to build you into a rhythm of some sort, and i think those parts are more of a disruption than anything else. i wish i could be more specific about what about those lines bugs me, but right now all i can say is that they make my brain itch.