Ranger
on Cloche. by howl
10 Dec 2006, 10:28 AM
This is very good indeed. A couple too many instances of 'the' for my taste.
A subway, a tram and a policeman with a torch? Where are you?
Laughable.
This is good--great imagery.
A fun read--good job.
This simply has to be favourited.
Don't think you need the 'what?' at the start of line three. Other than that, wonderful. Can you please write something happy though?
Nice - as Nicholas says, it's a bit awkward. I think it would work well with some loose rhyming. I hate rewriting other peoples' work, but this is something like what I mean;
Four A.M. and I am awake, reading Dunn
sipping cold coffee and needing a
cold corn muffin, like it were the last one
of a condemned man
I know that changes the scene a little, but it's more the sound that I like there.
I prefer this edit.
How can your face be like a fat isoceles triangle? Is it trying to imitate Fraser's legs?
I thought it said "California toilets" Sorry. It would have been better thus.
Not very good.
Pretentious and ill-spelled.
Edna Sweetlove
on On returning to a town where I used to live by Nicholas Jones
10 Dec 2006, 11:15 AM
If this is poetry I am a Chinaman
hilarious!
The last two lines seem unsupported by the rest. I think "doom" is too telling; we get the point without it. Otherwise good.
This is not bad, although I think you could make the last stanza stronger. For one thing, the rest of the poem tells us you're in the darkness, so you don't need to repeat darkness twice because we allready know that's what your trying to climb out of.
I like this, although it's a little clumsy. It reminds me of the poems about insomnia I have written.
I don't know what to say
I thought it said "California toilets" Sorry. It would have been better thus.
I think you will find there are three Ts in twattish.
Pleasingly dark.