Jill Stockinger
on The Land of Back-to-Front by [mojo]
22 Dec 2020, 6:09 PM
Enjoyed it!
Drawers full not draws.
Some very good lines.
Mixing modern language with words like "ere" and "paltry" makes this less strong. The last line is very strong.
Cute!
Too opaque.
Enjoyed the thought and imagery. Loved the last line.
bothered by line "bits moan"- rest is really good!
Enjoyed this! Pithy. Might even say "meaty"!
Enjoyed this! Pithy. Might even say "meaty"!
some good lines, a little too disjointed for me. Liked sections on trying to reach nirvana but not able to- guess the point is armageddon coming, enjoyed parts.
I'd call it a narrative poem-- captures the story really well--poignant. I enjoyed the irony in the last 4 lines.
I do not see how "insular" fits.
Liked the idea of the person being created by the lover the way a sculptor (or in this case sculptress) creates a ceramic piece. And carrying it through, where like a piece of terracotta, it crumbles into nothing.
grammar needs fixing, tenses of verbs are not matching subjects, annoying, also too many cliches- and some jarring lines, like "Some men are pathetic, wearing emotional cosmetic". Some strong emotions are captured, worth reworking.
Some beautiful lines:
"Somewhere in the midst of nowhere"; "blackened in wet mascara" (I suggest by black mascara); and my favorite: " "She presented conversation like a guilty bouquet."
Some lines not nearly up to that level of excellence: "amongst the flowers" strikes a false note. Loved the ending! Humorous!
Some excellent lines. The point really gets across. Not so great, does not fit: "And to the east I stare", and you have several misplaced commas. Definitely worth revising.
Some good lines!
Used rhyme inconsistently, which weakens the poem. Some good lines!
Weak ending, some great characterization (enjoyed all the description of the palsied old lady- well done!)
Like the double entendre of "come and go"
enjoyed the first 2 haiku; the last one not as good