INTRANSIT
on the meeting by richa
6 Oct 2003, 1:48 PM
phooey!
I think a pimple should be unsubtle, but still express some kind of emotion.
Flow is good, kind of like conversation
Amen.
Turds like that are better left unflushed for the next unsuspecting depositer.
trying to get a feeling of physical distance with the last line.
As the first verse means nothing by itself, I would shuffle it.
By the second verse I was getting impatient.
There seems to be a single rhyme running through- crave/ face/ faint/ place. Nice little innovation helps with flow.
I just wish there was something a little dark to punch me on the last line.
If you are a stranger making lewd comments about a young katie, then you are disgusting.
If she is your sister or something, I guess it is OK
-nod-
10.
theres a thing about women and romance, really..
i never saw a man write as if he were expelling thoughts in a single sigh that melts the crowd.
then again, i though it had.. no offense, it caught me as "romance novel" at the end.
but again, thats me. heres an 8.
oh shush, your case of numeral zero fever isnt half as bad as mine, dreamer supreme was a like a magnet, supremedreamer defied gravity twice (he also has been thinkin himself unhuman, but thats another story)
the only fully operational brainmachine is Y2kSlamPoet, who has gove undercover along with my last bottle of Peket...
but alas, we are all soon going to complete our formula for creating "something out of nothings" - we have ventured into godly terrain, and yet we are brave (or stupid enough) not to worry.
I dont think apologies will suffice since there will aways be a soul that dislikes you and anything that comes from you, (everyone has to go through this.. )
stop pleading, dust off your jeans and start keeping your head up.
perhaps they thought those seeds would grow.
9.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
6 Oct 2003, 1:17 PM
I love the imagery here.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
6 Oct 2003, 1:19 PM
Fabulous! Quite clever!
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
6 Oct 2003, 1:21 PM
I like that the ambiguity gives way to practicality in the end.
syntax can be important, you know.
amusing rhymes. but no vote.
Wow, top notch product placement. How much did you get paid sitting at your desk coming up with that one. $650? $850.
sexual halloween.
Don-Quixote
on Ravens Flight - Voices of Spite (My First Ever Vilanelle) by Don-Quixote
6 Oct 2003, 3:37 PM
not too bad i think.. actually, it wasnt that hard- once i grasped the flow of it.. oh well, theres going to be more since i had fun writing one.
yep, good- but it could use smoothening like ~ said.
heres an eight.
?-Dave_Mysterious-?
on Ravens Flight - Voices of Spite (My First Ever Vilanelle) by Don-Quixote
6 Oct 2003, 4:26 PM
I like the way you used the lawyer as a metaphor for incest. -9-