sliver
on You.. by Ariella
22 Dec 2003, 9:22 PM
I went to High School for more than lunch.
(GYM)
Old memories well remembered, I enjoyed this.
Sucks huh?
WEEELLL, Thats a reasonable assumption:(
Sure they can, you know, they all have their own society on the other side of the glass, when you're not looking they're partying off their ass, Look closer next time.
Huh...I like the ending. I think "smirk" is weak, you shouldn't try so hard to rhyme. Your message is interesting enough.
Do not ever use "proverbial" in a poem...its just a bad idea...
Like it!
L-14 I'm floating blind. I get it. I just don't like the way it hits my ears for some reason. Excellent variation from traditional sonnets. 9.99
Very good, like the alliterations.
A couple of picks:-
Skeletal and flotsam are too eccentric words, they disrupt the flow of sounds and thought. And unconnected soul is perhaps an assertion too far (are souls not supposed to be indivisible).
'i am the peach pit (pith/stone?)/spit out' Is the best line, needs more like that though.
you need to at least give a clue as to why you will know whether you have won or lost (what?) until your life is through.
This could be a commentary from either side of the cage. (I'm guessing the spectators)
very good, line breaks and fresh images on every line. My favourite is 'as a lake in a thimble'
The rhythm is too disrupted, too many words repeated, the third verse conclusion doesn't track with the argument.
The first two verses at least got my interest though, as though they were going to say something.
Is this true, or did you use your imagination?
FALSEHOOD
cute idea though, whimsical.
(a)bsurd.
Quite good, the bit about loving the bird at the end is daft. The selfishness to keep the bird for yourself, saying the outside world is worse, praising captivity is rather well written.
and how she gives love!