Poemranker [Poem: Intense Irrational Realities] [by Venus] Fri Apr 26 18:33:27 PDT 2024

[n/a] poetandknowit @ 65.101.212.144 | 18-Aug-02/10:21 PM | Reply

All I want to know is can I watch?

[8] Bachus @ 24.126.113.154 | 19-Aug-02/12:43 AM | Reply

oh..baby i was bound for mexico...oh baby i was bound to let you down oh oh ohohoh..

[8] Christof @ 195.172.133.226 | 22-Aug-02/2:02 AM | Reply

This is erotic as hell. You're a sly one, Venus. I like it.

[n/a] Venus @ | 22-Aug-02/9:23 AM | Reply

Thanks Christof, glad you liked. And no, P&T, you most certainly cannot watch!

[9] <~> @ 24.44.185.41 | 27-Aug-02/11:27 PM | Reply

is this one of those, 'i'll show you mine' jobbers? heheheh. seriously, though, you could tighten this by dropping 'child's' in s3--it's unnecessary; maybe say 'cradled in antique gold'
? musings, musings...

[n/a] Venus @ | 27-Aug-02/11:32 PM | Reply

Z! You nailed the exact two lines I was fighting with! I'll take your musings and run! Oh, and yes, you nailed the motivation behind it as well.

[9] <~> @ 24.44.185.41 | 27-Aug-02/11:37 PM | Reply

indeed! well since i'm on a roll with buttah, i'll make one more suggestion: 'or is it merely a series/of lines loosed on squiggles/ black knobbed on grey, an etch-a-sketch maasterpiece'

[n/a] Venus @ | 27-Aug-02/11:44 PM | Reply

Thanks! I'll consider those, and maybe come up with some kind of amalgamation tomorrow... must crawl into bed for now, as I'm keeping the house awake with all of my deafening 'hunt & peck'ing ; )

[8] god'swife @ 209.179.212.229 | 29-Aug-02/9:51 AM | Reply

Since I don't know what your talking about(of course my mind's in the gutter) it's hard for me to appreciate all your imagery. But I'm just happy to see images and metaphor. --Winslow cradled... is my favorite of these. I wish I knew what you are talking about.

[n/a] Venus @ | 29-Aug-02/4:54 PM | Reply

Thanks GW, and I think you may know what I'm talking about... hint: keep your mind in the gutter, where it belongs! Mine seems to thrive down there ; )

[n/a] Venus @ | 30-Aug-02/1:52 PM | Reply

Z - took your initial suggestions, thanks again!

[9] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 30-Aug-02/1:56 PM | Reply

de nada. glad i could help.

[9] <{Baba^Yaga}> @ 24.126.113.154 | 30-Aug-02/5:26 PM | Reply

Bachus said thank you darling for the time in playnig with the boy who shot birds. your hair looks great today by the way.

[8] god'swife @ 209.178.177.189 | 31-Aug-02/1:07 PM | Reply

Much improved. Get rid of 'Is it' in line 3 and line 7,'it's' in line 11. Last line should echo first, 'DOES it resemble mine' Great you've done a terrific job of editing. Now the subject of the poem has a larger scope, and really could be anything. 8

[n/a] Venus @ | 31-Aug-02/1:22 PM | Reply

Damn, those are good suggestions too. Wonder how many times I'll have to revise this thing before I get it...

[7] Plaidypus @ 67.122.109.20 | 22-Dec-03/10:23 PM | Reply

Like it!