I'm sorry, but this hilarious, and really weird in a sort of a surreal dramatic way? huh... well, you certainly surprised me, I was wondering, I'm starting a publishing company, and I'd be interested in publishing your work, please e mail me for further information. horus8j@yahoo.com Thankyou.

also, you, I have a mission for you young one, e mail me at horus8j@yahoo.com

you are funny.

The last line appeals muchly to me as a good Canadian. The one line I don't like -- and I dislike it quite strongly -- is "but I lost my voice when you lost yours" It's a cliche in an otherwise quite original depiction of remembering a lost mate. And your narrator just doesn't strike me at all as someone who's lost her voice. It jars.

I still think this is fucking brilliant. When the things turn new. And when we are respectful. Because you damn well better be respectful of The Things. ESPECIALLY when they're turning new.

For the line, "Well, it's the Tannenbaum's lawn now", I'd suggest getting rid of 'well' and 'it's' and the parenthesis, which make it chatty in a way that bugs me here. In fact, that whole stanza is unnecessary. It adds nothing, but allows a couple of cheap lines to creep in (see lastobelus's note). The next stanza too, could be pared down, the lines shortened and tightened up. You could characterize Jackie in one short line (I see clacking bracelets somehow) and that would help a lot. I know you're trying to keep a breezy chatty style, and I know why. But I think it hurts. The language could be familiar and still poetic. The last stanza powerhouse. It's too strong to come after the rest. You should let it (and st.1) set the tone and voice for the middle. That's about all I can think of. And yes, I got your email.

There there, I'm sure you'll find another spider.

Are you saying that they play in trees because they acted like monkeys?

Scraping the bottom of the barrel for subject matter, are you?

Makes me think on which bottle I would choose

no rockmage its not that it was just about a hard time in my life and i had to choose what the right thing to do was and i picked one and I m still tring to find out if its the right one waiting for the posin to kick in i guess.lol

no I just thought well you need pills becuase you coudn't keep your children under controll so they must be acting like monkeys...

close.

what you say is not badly said - yet...

too much of not enough.

you are = you're

If this continued about 16 lines past where it currently ends, it would probably be at the beginning of being a poem.

what is this shirty you speak of?

gonna agree with zodiac; this is a good start - a conceptual sketch.

RM, I like the idea of it; dunno - I think I'm thrown by the part rhyme, part not combined with word choices that seem selected specifically to rhyme - yet have no mate. S3 espec.