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without music (Free verse) by Limness
I heard this at a wedding once: 'a beautiful boy asked me to dance and a beautiful girl took him away' my own wedding was small, informal, quiet and we had no dancing, but two cakes instead three years later, we forgot about talking (as we had forgotten the music) and I was alone and he was alone and we were alone together still, without dancing or children and only 2 windows in our home no beautiful woman came but he is really gone I will not lay blame my sisters are not as old as me without husbands, we three attend the weddings of friends and sometimes dance but I have never had a conversation like those which passed without words between us, who forgot the unspoken who married without music and parted in silence

Up the ladder: Happy hour
Down the ladder: The Slanty Shanty

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.428571
Weighted score: 5.1152606
Overall Rank: 5978
Posted: November 12, 2002 12:48 PM PST; Last modified: November 12, 2002 12:48 PM PST
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Comments:
[n/a] god'swife @ 209.179.210.132 | 13-Nov-02/1:14 AM | Reply
Needs work but fantastic at the end.
[n/a] Limness @ 167.206.181.179 > god'swife | 13-Nov-02/7:25 AM | Reply
can you help with suggestions, please?
[n/a] god'swife @ 209.179.137.65 > Limness | 13-Nov-02/2:07 PM | Reply
The second stanza. Try to replace all those "alone"s. with god only knows what. I lose your voice there. You're such a clever girl, am sure you can come up with something. Or even 'alone, alone, alone/I. He. We.' I don't know, just the tone is so educated and then that central part seems less than.
[7] anitawit @ 219.65.234.247 | 27-Nov-02/11:18 AM | Reply
Poignant
[8] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 5-Feb-04/8:58 PM | Reply
what you say is not badly said - yet...
[8] Shuushin @ 147.154.235.51 > Shuushin | 6-Feb-04/12:40 PM | Reply
okay, back. To be more specific - I guess by conveying, sucessfully apparently, a sense of ennui, I believe it doesn't draw the reader in very much. Or perhaps too much; I end up, figuratively, as if it were a sepia photograph slipping from my fingers - and I simply step away from it.

What more do I want? I think I want a hook line, or an echoed sentiment, say - related to the first quotation (because that's quite lovely and poignant).
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