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The Slanty Shanty (Free verse) by Quarton
I pulled over and sut off the engine, long buried memories welling up in a myriad of thoughts and images; as if a floodgate suddenly opened, rushing water transformed into changing patterns of remembrance. It was an old house, built at the century's turn, white with two huge oak trees in front, like towering sentinels; only a stump remaining of the even larger oak that once grew in the back. Over forty years have passed since we lived there, my parents and older brother Bob. Mom pregnant, I'm sure by mistake; she in her late thirties but I never gave it much thought; I was only ten. There was an old shed in the back, out beyond the garden next to the alley by the oak tree; tilted to one side and dilapidated. Thanks to dad's penchant for nicknames, we called it the slanty shanty. Mom always telling dad it was unsafe and ought to be torn down; he always in agreement though we knew he never would. We had all developed an affiity and peculiar admiration for the shed, beaten and battered yet still standing after so many years. In warm weather, the kitchen door was usually open; an old wood framed screen keeping most of the insects out. It had a new spring dad put on, too short and when closing; just letting go really, it would gain momentum, snapping shut with surprising force, the crack like a gun firing; flushing the birds in the garden. And mom yelling not to slam thr door though she knew it was the spring and dad calling it our noise making scarecrow. I vividly recall that April evening, sky black and ominous as I took shelter; mom and dad gone to a movie, my brother visiting a friend. From the cellar, I could hear thunder over the wind and rain as the tempest raged; the old house straining under nature's onslaught. Then abruptly, the storm was over as I cautiously emerged from the cellar, into the kitchen and out the back door; stunned as I viewed the devastation left in the storm's wake. The giant oak had snapped in two like a twig, its immensity covering most of the garden; leaves and branches scattered everywhere. As the evening sun broke through the thinning cloud cover, I could see an outline through fallen branches; a few steps to my left and a clear view; old slanty shanty bathed in light and still standing. Somehow, it had survived the storm's fury unscathed. I remember smiling as I stood staring in disbelief and wonderment those many years ago, thinking of the storm and the shanty; naively pondering why God had wasted a miracle on that rundown old shed. And I still wonder to this day, though randomness has no secrets to reveal nor meaning it must defend.

Up the ladder: without music
Down the ladder: Haiku

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.428571
Weighted score: 5.1152606
Overall Rank: 5981
Posted: December 1, 2002 9:45 AM PST; Last modified: December 1, 2002 9:45 AM PST
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Comments:
[7] Tintagiles @ 207.179.137.208 | 1-Dec-02/10:57 AM | Reply
Slighty too long.
[n/a] Quarton @ 12.217.212.111 > Tintagiles | 1-Dec-02/11:45 AM | Reply
Hmmm..
What does "slightly too long" mean? Something a bit more
specific would be welcomed. Content or meaning or style
or emotions evoked, etc. Thanks for the read.
[n/a] ecargo @ 64.252.70.234 | 1-Dec-02/7:26 PM | Reply
I dunno--I want to like this more than I do. For one thing, it reads more as prose memoir than a poem ("but what is a poem? blah blah blah"). Also, you distance the reader from the experience by the reiteration of the memory--specifically, the use of "I vividly recall," "I remember," "I still wonder"--I think this would be stronger and more immediate without those. Plunge your reader into the experience with you--don't tell, show. I think that's the main problem--you tell rather than show.

Specifically--

I think the third stanza should be pulled--it interrupts the narrative and seems extraneous. I'd probably even pull the first stanza--it's like a first chapter that you write just to get you going, but then, upon re-read, sounds too much like Obvious Intro. Maybe pull it and play with remainder to see if it was necessary? You can get the message that this was your old house just by changing "an" to "our" in the second stanza (or by any number of other methods--"I took shelter that April evening, forty years ago . . . " etc.). I like the central idea of this and, especially, the last two lines, but I think your narrative eclipses your images and experience.
[n/a] Quarton @ 12.217.212.111 > ecargo | 1-Dec-02/8:51 PM | Reply
Yes, perhaps more imagery and showing rather than telling.
I meant this to be a "narrative" poem and they are generally
less "poetic" than some free verse formats. Thanks for the
read and comments.
[n/a] ecargo @ 208.249.92.99 > Quarton | 2-Dec-02/7:18 AM | Reply
Sure, hope they're helpful. Would be interested in your take on my own doings sometime.
[7] <{Baba^Yaga}> @ 24.126.113.154 | 2-Dec-02/12:02 AM | Reply
i still can't get past the first line because of the sut. i want to bad though and i will...i hope. give me a hint...all right just kidding...well it's big, but i liked it for a load of a reasons, and hated it for others, but i hate myself so don't feel bad....overall content was well recieved though 7.
[n/a] Ranger @ 212.219.142.161 | 2-Dec-02/4:20 AM | Reply
It is a bit too long lengthwise, but kinda good. What twat came on here and gave this a two? Someone's done that to mine-I think there's a conspiracy
[n/a] Quarton @ 12.217.212.111 > Ranger | 2-Dec-02/9:58 AM | Reply
My guess is I must have pissed someone off with my
comments and/or vote. Very petty but not a surprise.
I won't like yours if you don't like mine mentality.
[8] razorgrin @ 192.197.142.107 | 2-Dec-02/7:03 AM | Reply
cool poem, but the title made me laugh so hard the first time i read it, i had to go back. (in-joke, long story..)
[n/a] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 2-Dec-02/8:17 AM | Reply
very prosaic, and thoroughly enjoyable. i agree with hatters hare; also, fix a few typos.
reminds me of the time when a tornado went through new haven, taking out all the century-old sycamores and breaking not a single pane on the greenhouse across the street...
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