ecargo1 Dec 2002

I dunno--I want to like this more than I do. For one thing, it reads more as prose memoir than a poem ("but what is a poem? blah blah blah"). Also, you distance the reader from the experience by the reiteration of the memory--specifically, the use of "I vividly recall," "I remember," "I still wonder"--I think this would be stronger and more immediate without those. Plunge your reader into the experience with you--don't tell, show. I think that's the main problem--you tell rather than show.

Specifically--

I think the third stanza should be pulled--it interrupts the narrative and seems extraneous. I'd probably even pull the first stanza--it's like a first chapter that you write just to get you going, but then, upon re-read, sounds too much like Obvious Intro. Maybe pull it and play with remainder to see if it was necessary? You can get the message that this was your old house just by changing "an" to "our" in the second stanza (or by any number of other methods--"I took shelter that April evening, forty years ago . . . " etc.). I like the central idea of this and, especially, the last two lines, but I think your narrative eclipses your images and experience.