Replying to a comment on:

without music (Free verse) by Limness

I heard this at a wedding once: 'a beautiful boy asked me to dance and a beautiful girl took him away' my own wedding was small, informal, quiet and we had no dancing, but two cakes instead three years later, we forgot about talking (as we had forgotten the music) and I was alone and he was alone and we were alone together still, without dancing or children and only 2 windows in our home no beautiful woman came but he is really gone I will not lay blame my sisters are not as old as me without husbands, we three attend the weddings of friends and sometimes dance but I have never had a conversation like those which passed without words between us, who forgot the unspoken who married without music and parted in silence

Shuushin 6-Feb-04/12:40 PM
okay, back. To be more specific - I guess by conveying, sucessfully apparently, a sense of ennui, I believe it doesn't draw the reader in very much. Or perhaps too much; I end up, figuratively, as if it were a sepia photograph slipping from my fingers - and I simply step away from it.

What more do I want? I think I want a hook line, or an echoed sentiment, say - related to the first quotation (because that's quite lovely and poignant).




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