| Re: F Log-On by Skamper |
drnick 24.247.158.152 |
19-Jun-07/7:55 AM |
|
Very funny...not that I can relate or anything.
|
|
|
 |
| Re: The One I Threw Back by drnick |
lmp 141.154.134.3 |
19-Jun-07/12:22 PM |
|
i'll comment later; i am intrigued by this one.
|
|
|
|
| Re: The One I Threw Back by drnick |
Dovina 66.140.169.242 |
20-Jun-07/3:02 PM |
|
"hold" not "ahold" and a period after it.
Some of it has a nice rhythm, but the lapses distract. This sort of thing needs rhythm, I think, to carry it, especially when all the stanzas have 4 lines.
example:
I've buried myself inside mistakes,
Made myself a home,
Here I'll hide forever,
Secure and still alone.
|
|
|
|
| Re: husk [hai-crete] by lmp |
Dovina 66.140.169.242 |
20-Jun-07/3:05 PM |
|
Broken could lose the space.
|
|
|
|
| Re: F Log-On by Skamper |
Dovina 66.140.169.242 |
20-Jun-07/3:08 PM |
|
Starts out like a rap. Would be nice to keep that going.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Between two Truths by Dovina |
lmp 141.154.134.3 |
20-Jun-07/3:42 PM |
|
S2 L4/L5... the repeat of "comfort" is not as strong as it could be. maybe L4 starts "offers sanctuary ...". I would also end with a colon on L4 to deliver L5.
an interesting look at a subculture of the US that i struggle to comprehend. i really believe i would have a hard time living there...
so what's around the bend and over the next hill?
|
|
|
|
| Re: He's Dead You Bastards (for zzinia) by scitz |
lmp 141.154.134.3 |
20-Jun-07/3:52 PM |
|
he must really miss his friend to commit suicide to be with him.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
aliena 76.22.63.17 |
21-Jun-07/12:53 AM |
|
Humm, u r funny :) Thanks for putting a smile on my face finally. I was amused by ur comment. I am actually a size 0 LOL, buy my clothes right off the mannikins ;). Spirited is how I would describe myself. You sir, I guess, are in your 40s? Single eh?
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
Christof 62.121.23.56 |
21-Jun-07/1:37 AM |
|
It's good to see I've annoyed you enough to warrant my own composed-in-ten-seconds poem. Immortality at last! Thanks, and excuse me while I wilt under the heat of your satirical laser beam.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Resume by drnick |
Ranger 81.152.176.129 |
21-Jun-07/4:55 AM |
|
The funny thing with the first two stanzas is that they're a sort of guarded joy, almost like you don't expect anything to last, and it bothers you, whereas the next three stanzas sound like you don't care about that fact. It's much the same with starting 'game over' and ending 'now resume' - I like that facet.
But, of course, good luck with it :-)
|
|
|
|
| Re: Tropical afternoon by cpill |
Ranger 81.152.176.129 |
21-Jun-07/5:00 AM |
|
Not keen on 'shoulders sag' - it sounds like you give up on everything, whereas the rest of the poem is less like that. I'd change it to 'let the shoulders down', like you're letting blinds down on the windows, letting your guard down and a million other relaxed cliches.
'Menstruating sky' is hilarious.
|
|
|
|
| Re: I Am A Reality by Skamper |
Ranger 81.152.176.129 |
21-Jun-07/5:03 AM |
|
I'd agree with Imp, this is lyrical. But less rap, less Bjork and more Emiliana Torrini.
|
|
|
|
| Re: The wait by aliena |
Ranger 81.152.176.129 |
21-Jun-07/5:07 AM |
|
The voices in my head are crying 'image! image!' Perhaps play around with the sound of 'poetry' and make it sound like 'pottery' - something being wiped off clay. I'd like that.
|
|
|
|
| Re: The One I Threw Back by drnick |
Ranger 81.152.176.129 |
21-Jun-07/5:09 AM |
|
Aside from 'I found God inside her face' I rather like this.
|
|
|
|
| Re: F Log-On by Skamper |
Ranger 81.152.176.129 |
21-Jun-07/5:12 AM |
|
What exactly are you F-Logging?
Make line 3 straight iambs ('fire into the midst') and perhaps the 'rolled sweated and panted' line wants rhythmic tweaking. Dovina's right about the rap-ness of this.
Good poeme.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Field Work by Christof |
Ranger 81.152.176.129 |
21-Jun-07/5:13 AM |
|
Marvellous to see you still alive and writing, Mr. C.
This is clearly a poeme about doing something naughty.
|
|
|
|
| Re: husk [hai-crete] by lmp |
Ranger 81.152.176.129 |
21-Jun-07/5:15 AM |
|
Love the breaking of broken and the flying of the flies. And presumably you're aiming for the breakages, the incompleteness making something whole and concrete?
|
|
|
|
| Re: Better Things by EAger to Offend |
Ranger 81.152.176.129 |
21-Jun-07/5:18 AM |
|
I personally love a good long slee[.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Foie Gras by Christof |
Ranger 81.152.176.129 |
21-Jun-07/5:23 AM |
|
The best game you can play with telesales is to pretend that you're interested in it as a career and ask them all about their job. See how long you can string them along for before they hang up.
Love the torture of geese. Glorious.
|
|
|
|
| Re: husk [hai-crete] by lmp |
Skamper 202.6.132.146 |
21-Jun-07/6:36 AM |
|
|
|
