Love the 4th stanza. Maybe in the in the 3rd stanza, omit "and" in "and the leaf and the litter."

nothin says lovin' like a limerick.

Now the bow'ls don't work They just make things worse And I know I'll need to dump again

This is great - the 1st stanza has a little cliche-y sound to it with "moved mountains" and "great white hunter"...maybe use proper names of mountain..."moved an Everest" or something. Oh I don't know. I still like it. 9

How is a despair both great and small, or a pain both great and tiny? I have never seen a down blanket; maybe a quilt. I see some good images here and feel some pain.

A good image in the first half, but the logic breaks down somewhere in the glass house.

I just want to hug you after reading this, and make you eat, it sounds like a trying to save the world anorexic girls story... sunken eyes and dying in vain... but I give it an 8 *hug*

You call me your N----r and then write a piece like this....extolling the virtues of Beah Richards. Again your work displays a form of hypocrisy that is quite tasteless. Beah was light years ahead of her time...a proud and strong black woman who was an accomplished actress, poet and playwright. I remember seeing her as a kid in “Guess Whose Coming to Dinner”. She was class and dignity personified. Anyway, I can see you tried to capture her essence here…but in the end you fell well short of your mark. In particular, I found your statement about her voice (“ the purist colored voice”) awkward and ill conceived. You are capable of doing much better than this. –6- on technical merit…..8 on heartfelt emotion…..-7- overall

good concept, but barely poetry. Too many unneeded words

I went from depressed to lost and depressed. what the hell

NO!!!!! clothes... *hiss*

-Life as a burning crock of shit.... that is what life is.. but I did like what you were trying to say... nice thoughts... 8

Well said. I'd put "they" in "once bring you in" and a ? at the end. And I'd answer yes.

Nicely constructed, nicely done.

I don't "get" the last stanza, but I like the rest quite a bit. I hangs just on that edge of tongue-in-cheek. works for me.

no. Sorry. Too much poetry, not enough profundity.

I'm going to echo caffrey - but elaborate by saying the “too many” words are precisely the ones you've put in to sound like “poetry”. Here's a test - take out the rhyming words - does the meaning change? If it doesn't - why have them? You word choices should add value. You've got shattered twice, btw - and five "t"'s between them. And my pet peeve, extraneous prepositional phrases. Try not to trade meaning for rhyme – what you are trying to convey (the idea of which I like, btw) is complicated enough as it is – focus on that. Maybe, as an exercise, make the same poem without rhyming?

LOL! This is excelent work!

ooo tis marvelous!! I luvs the whole scar across your face ting. i adore thunder storms haha. hinkoo muchly for the comment and votey mon ^.^

This poeme was interesting and really made me think.