This could stand the addition of about thirty verbs.

I really enjoyed this poeme. I'm sorry to hear about your story and hope everything works out. -10-

If you gotta go you gotta go. You are excused.

Like the crazed ramblings of a schizophrenic. i.e. too fragmented to make sense. Has a certain energy though.

A square IS a rectangle. A bit vague, lines like 'I m here but not there. I m there but not here' don't really mean much to me.

Like the flow and sounds. Too many abstracts stated without showing the reader what you mean, jealousy, bitterness, envy, grief etc. Also 'in jealous shoes' sounds very forced.

The verses don't seem to follow on, and I agree with hypatia on the great small thing. A few nice descriptions in there.

Great! Whose is the quoted voice? I can't find these lines anywhere (but guess Brautigan, Hemingway, or your own - not that it matters, but I'm curious.) So - your style always amazes me.

"Kivi veereb"? I like this one quite a bit - do we need the last line?

Besides the previous comments, the only thing wrong with this is the title.

ok now be honest. you wrote this awhile ago too, didn't you? good, but not as good as the first poem i read of yours. i really thought the last sanza was good, the 1st three lines anyway, but the last line just kind of faded out. i think....maybe you need to work on your endings. something more...grabbing or poignant.

En Mi, Tu Estás…(Español) En mi corazón, pienso en tu tocar, (ie, I think of your [guitar] playing, or -) En mi corazón, mis pensamientos de tí jugar, (my thoughts of you play) En mi cabeza, estoy más o menos triste, En mi vida, no tengo un amor, En mi cama, te quiero y no sé. (don't you mean, and YOU don't know - y no sabes?) Cuando pienso en tí, yo sonrío, Cuando te miro, yo quiero más, Cuando escribo de tí, tú eres mío, Y siempre, nos vemos atrás. Báñame en tus ojos azules, Tómame en tus brazos fuertes, Bésame con todos mirándonos, Y suena siempre de nosotros. Escríbeme con tu bolígrafo, Tócame; venga aquí ahora, Buscando mi novio; mirandolo, Después, yo necesito ésta. (or yo necesito estar.) -20 = D-. And don't let me catch you sleeping in class again.

try it on poemosrankeros.com

what about cloaks? that sort of sounds like one of those "adorn" words but if you are not opposed to it, it sounds better that clothes and is relatively similar in sound.

I presume the quote is something from Jean-Paul Sartre, but who cares? Wisdom will, in fact, encroach on belief, if you let it. Go ahead and build a wall as high as a statue to keep the stone from rolling, and keep your hand from your enemy's. Great!

alright first of all before I get angry I have to say I respect you very much as a writer, and as someone obviously much younger, I even look up to some of it. But there is absolutely no way that I could ever let myself feel like a "flaming bullshit poeser," just becasue I don't write many things that rhyme. There's just no ground for it.

glosa?

Cocaine = cocaine; liquer = liquor; the punctuation between wrists, jewels, and I live is a little shaky; 'I smell of a lake' made me laugh - how about 'I smell like a lake' (or even better, 'I smell like lake _____' - water, maybe.) 'The secrets; they keep within them Their bodies,' is also poorly punctuated. I think it should end with bodies. Or a better lake image than your closing one.

Satire aside, I had to laugh.

I don't see them fighting.