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Quiet Lakes (Free verse) by Fear of Garbage
Today I cleaned the windows And found poison between the panes. Mercury tinted, from a long thermometer. I wonder if the site has spoiled me. Any other would feel the same. Instead of dancing, Getting drunk and throwing up, There are imaginists. Pure bred. Mutt-hungry. Filling it with Chinese food. Selling Cocaine on the street corner, sesame seeds and liquer between my teeth, Queen Anne dead on my chest. I like it here. I can read Korean And all sorts of symbols that appear on my wrists, Jewels, I live like royalty in the suburbs of the city. Quiet lakes. Slake my thirst. When I am on concrete, I cannot ask for my life. I smell of a lake. Blue through the nose And sour. The reeds have not been moving At all tonight. Mute. I take out, Drab and colorless, A secret from under the pond. My hands are deep. Here are the jewels, the murdered, the senseless, The secrets; they keep within them Their bodies, Arms and lungs. I want them. I forget them. Even they cannot kill my thirst.

Down the ladder: Numbers add to nothing

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.142857
Weighted score: 5.3073616
Overall Rank: 3634
Posted: March 23, 2004 10:43 AM PST; Last modified: March 23, 2004 10:43 AM PST
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[10] zodiac @ | 23-Mar-04/11:13 AM | Reply
Cocaine = cocaine; liquer = liquor; the punctuation between wrists, jewels, and I live is a little shaky; 'I smell of a lake' made me laugh - how about 'I smell like a lake' (or even better, 'I smell like lake _____' - water, maybe.)
'The secrets; they keep within them
Their bodies,' is also poorly punctuated. I think it should end with bodies. Or a better lake image than your closing one.
[n/a] Fear of Garbage @ > zodiac | 23-Mar-04/11:17 AM | Reply
You don't think ending with bodies would be too blunt?
[10] zodiac @ > Fear of Garbage | 23-Mar-04/11:25 AM | Reply
For me, no. Less blunt than a packaged 'meaning', anyway (and I meant lungs, not bodies, anyway.) Personally, I'm leaning toward another, better lake-image for the end. Something to tie it up with. But I'd like to see what anyone else has to say on the matter.
[10] wilco @ | 23-Mar-04/1:16 PM | Reply
I like this one.
[9] richa @ | 23-Mar-04/3:03 PM | Reply
Like I can read korean and symbols on my wrists and the idea of poison from a mercury thermometer.

A couple of picks:

No real need for 'I wonder if this site has spoiled me' the symbolism works without.

Don't really understand how this follows on: 'Instead of dancing, Getting drunk and throwing up, There are imaginists.'
[9] richa @ > richa | 23-Mar-04/3:39 PM | Reply
get it now, it was the line breaks that put me off.
[10] zodiac @ > richa | 23-Mar-04/4:14 PM | Reply
'I wonder if this site has spoiled me' - I thought it was a reference to p/r. Yes.
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