Shuushin
on Beth by horus8
8 Apr 2004, 5:43 PM
I imagine some of the choppiness I read would be greatly smoothed by the singing of it.
it works; sure.
Hmmmm, strangely I do like this better....
I can't believe I've gotten no "guffs" and no irate rants from Zodiac....feeling left out....
oh my dear it is so long... I also think it can be cleaned up, possibly by making the lines more of a standard length... it's jumbly when there's one really long line followed by something so short... however, there is some good imagery and description going on... I think towards the end though all the particulars started to confuse me, I got a little lost up in them instead of the meaning behind the writing...
Could you tell me who is responsible for the following: "We want art for art's sake that will reflect the magazine's edgy, exciting attitude."
different. points for that.
I really don't mind the lowercase "i" as a tool themselves, but the capital usage with "I'll" kinda wrecks it.
better.
awesome.
"... a sled pulled by 10 square feet of rabid ferret" - I said awesome already, right?
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
9 Apr 2004, 10:30 AM
So would I! Sometimes the temptation's so great I forget why I do this. How do you vote for satire anyway? Have a 9.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
9 Apr 2004, 10:58 AM
"They" refering to ice crystals, come trickling to us as finally ocean. Then "They" are dasies. OK, I'm picky, but I really like the flow of this and the bittersweet of it.
Yes, it's different and cute too. Check some grammar though:
"hold them dear will thee" ??
"or when i'm feelin week" should be weak.
Other than dirt between the toes of those above and those below, what is going on here?
I think you are playing around with poets who speak constantly of sadness. I hope so! If I knew so, I would give a 10.
I like this one much better - less cliched. But it seems it is you, not he, who is proud when you say, how would you appreciate the things in life without me?" and "every love song without me would just be a song"
It sounds as if you are living it, but it seems to be a dreary existance. I like the overall feel of this piece though. A well desaerved 8.
very visual, liked the twist at the end
I dig this man. It's good.