Re: Immigrant by Christof	Ranger 81.158.79.189	1-Jul-07/2:59 AM
Indeed. Meter trips, and I'm not sure I like the abundance of articles in lines 1-3. After that it's good.
Re: Teddy Bear by lexxie100	Ranger 81.158.79.189	1-Jul-07/3:04 AM
Nothing wrong with this poem, now look to improve your use of meter and imagery. A good book for learning the technical stuff is Stephen Fry's 'The Ode Less Travelled'. You'll be fine.
Re: Summer Festival by Christof	Ranger 81.158.79.189	1-Jul-07/3:09 AM
If we want to solve third world water shortage, all we need to do is get Somalia to host Glastonbury and Wimbledon. 'Loose-limbed' is a bit cliche.
Re: Why Do We Stay? by nypoet22	Ranger 81.158.79.189	1-Jul-07/3:11 AM
What does Alex think would have happened if Iraq had been left alone? Good poeme though.
Re: A See-Through Prayer by PsydewaysTears	Ranger 81.158.79.189	1-Jul-07/3:12 AM
I rather like this, although it is pretty much a dictionary of romantic imagery.
Re: courtyard by lmp	Ranger 81.158.79.189	1-Jul-07/3:14 AM
I like the irregular drip-drip sound you get with the indentations and line breaks, although I don't think that 'melody' is the word you want in this.
Re: light [edited] by lmp	Ranger 81.158.79.189	1-Jul-07/3:16 AM
Unless you're sleeping with bacon, the rind wants explaining in the title. You give us the light in the poem, so the title's free to do a bit more work. Nice image, now that I know what it's about.
Re: Deeper by Skamper	Ranger 81.158.79.189	1-Jul-07/3:18 AM
Punctuate the end of line two, otherwise it reads: I do not fear love nearly as much as I should frighten me some more. Which is a little confusing.
Re: Consider the Grass by Dovina	Ranger 81.158.79.189	1-Jul-07/3:20 AM
The images are good and in places you hint at a swaying rhythm which is ace, but you don't sustain it. The final stanza is marvellous.
Re: Lullaby by lexxie100	Ranger 81.158.79.189	1-Jul-07/3:21 AM
Nice.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 81.158.79.189	1-Jul-07/3:21 AM
Zimmerframe?
Re: Consider the Grass by Dovina	PsydewaysTears 67.189.95.182	1-Jul-07/12:56 PM
very strong ending, loved this upon finishing it
Re: The Demonbaker's Death by PsydewaysTears	Dovina 24.224.5.72	1-Jul-07/2:00 PM
I agree with what ranger will say: Too much prose, too little rhythm. The same story will sound better with iambs and such. It's a good story.
Re: Lullaby by lexxie100	Dovina 24.224.5.72	1-Jul-07/2:02 PM
L4 seems there only for the rhyme.
Re: A Way to Wander by MacFrantic	lexxie100 72.64.228.124	1-Jul-07/4:09 PM
makes you think. interesting.
Re: Sweet Anguish by sonawrote	lexxie100 72.64.228.124	1-Jul-07/4:13 PM
didnt like it at first but after reading it a few times i think it grows on you.
Re: The Demonbaker's Death by PsydewaysTears	Skamper 202.6.132.193	1-Jul-07/6:09 PM
notice how your first stanzas are shorter lines? That works really well - stick to that. I love the fantasy/goth feel of this...
Re: Aesgntor by MacFrantic	lexxie100 72.64.228.124	2-Jul-07/7:55 AM
wonderful.
Re: -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy	lmp 141.154.134.3	2-Jul-07/8:46 AM
ugh. horrid topic, well portrayed. i think that the single line "hear our silence" is sufficient to convey the "shame on spectators" message. especially haunting is the last verse...
Re: Deeper by Skamper	lmp 141.154.134.3	2-Jul-07/9:03 AM
are you in love with a sociopath? just kidding. i like it.