Ranger
on Consider the Grass by Dovina
1 Jul 2007, 3:20 AM
The images are good and in places you hint at a swaying rhythm which is ace, but you don't sustain it. The final stanza is marvellous.
Zimmerframe?
very strong ending, loved this upon finishing it
I agree with what ranger will say: Too much prose, too little rhythm. The same story will sound better with iambs and such. It's a good story.
makes you think. interesting.
didnt like it at first but after reading it a few times i think it grows on you.
notice how your first stanzas are shorter lines? That works really well - stick to that. I love the fantasy/goth feel of this...
wonderful.
ugh.
horrid topic, well portrayed. i think that the single line "hear our silence" is sufficient to convey the "shame on spectators" message.
especially haunting is the last verse...
i do like the rhythm that (it appears) you have tweaked. whatever, it works well with the theme.
i hear the wind on this prairie, the soft subtle moaning through the blades as they rustle, bending and sweeping their neighbors.
i also like the slow outward zoom, if you will, going from micro to macro, although if this was intentional, there are a few places where it breaks the progression: s3 & s5 zoom much further out.
something about the last stanza is uncomfortable. i guess putting yourself into the piece brings the image of the expanse of the prairie to bear, but doesn't sit well with me. much in the same way that some tlevision commercials will lead in with some awe-inspiring imagery, only to ruin the effect by presenting their product. but that is personal preference...
still, a great piece. thanks.
The images here are very good Dovina. You have taken something simple and ordinary, something most of us take for granted, and raised it to the extraordinary--great insight and a great write.
Typos line 3, stanzas 13 and 14. I think if you shortened this, compacted the abuses you describe, it would have more impact. Still a decent write though.
It appears that you have -=Dark_Angel=- chained to a potty in the Outhouse. I demand his return, unharmed and freshly wiped - or by gad the FBI will hear about this.
This is very good in many places, but when you force the rhymes it loses some of its intensity. If you want to rhyme (I love rhymed poetry) then try using a rhyming dictionary - there are plenty of good ones online - for greater variety. Throwing in some unobvious rhymes here and there usually works well, but the most important thing is to remember that rhyme is a rhythmic device, and should be subtle rather than forced.
I hope this isn't from your own experience.
Elizabeth the First.
Wow - I just rediscovered this little gem. 'Today I've decided I wasn't killed. No way' is the best thing I've read for some time. Glorious, and favourited.
spliff-er-riffic!