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Teddy Bear (Other) by lexxie100
No longer am I cold No longer on the shelf I have been taken down Happy with my self I heard mother cry But I was getting held It was strange and so sudden But with joy I still swelled Though I knew I was her favorite I had never been down for this long I took it as a blessing I was terribly wrong Beck then I was clean My buttons all aligned I smelled of sweet vanilla Had a happy state of mind My family was not rich They were happy though Lived together in harmony Since a long time ago My master was the little one Her skin dark, but her future bright Always did well in school Until that fateful night You see up until that night Mother had been gone during the day Brother was the one who played with us We thought everything was okay Shopping was her goal Though not for usual food She came home with water, batteries, and cans These items only stiffened my mood No longer glad to be down I’d rather be put away I knew when I saw fathers frown That it would be another dark day Though my master was young I was not And because of money At goodwill I was bought I remember when there was water Rain fell from the sky Floyd was this disasters name My old master would die To get away from the memories My old family would move To the city of New Orleans I hoped conditions would improve Everything’s been quiet At least until now How could Mother Nature be so cruel? How much destruction she does allow! We awoke to the sound Of a tree hitting glass Then mother rushed in To awake we were last Daughter snuggled close Said she was tired Mother said they were going upstairs Fear her voice transpired I was dropped on the floor But landed in water Mother began to rush Hurrying her daughter As mother lifted daughter I felt left behind Then she remembered me With hands so soft and kind You see they had no money No place to find refuge They had no relatives to seek Their family was not huge So they were forced to stay Mother, father, daughter, and son Mother feared the health of the dome Leaving no where to run The wind began to howl The rain was cold Everything will be alright Is what we were told After that it wasn’t long Before the water was upstairs The family huddled together Father recited their prayers The house was strong But the current was fast The wind blew fierce The house wasn’t going to last The water came so fast We tried to reach the roof But the balcony had already gone Nothing seemed to be weatherproof There seemed to be no hope Nothing but despair Daughter clung to me For I was her teddy bear No longer am I cold No longer on the shelf I have been taken down Giving up all of myself

Up the ladder: Mm, Shoes... ?

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Weighted score: 5.0
Overall Rank: 7775
Posted: June 27, 2007 5:56 PM PDT; Last modified: June 27, 2007 5:56 PM PDT
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Comments:
[7] ALChemy @ 71.68.46.177 | 27-Jun-07/9:02 PM | Reply
You're doin' alright kid. Start reading alot of the classics; Emily Dickenson, Shakespeare etc. and then try to write something in their style. Read poetry basics books. Ones that touch on meter, alliterations, metaphor and such. Don't compromise your sentences just to get a rhyme; ie. "But with joy I still swelled". This is an inverted sentence and is usually a literary no-no.
Ask yourself "Would I talk like that in real life?"
Don't be discouraged by critics. We all start at the bottom.
[5] Skamper @ 202.6.129.165 | 28-Jun-07/4:26 PM | Reply
go do what ALChemy said - you can tell a story, but force it unnaturally into rhyme. Try free versing this - I bet it will surprise you
[8] Ranger @ 81.158.79.189 | 1-Jul-07/3:04 AM | Reply
Nothing wrong with this poem, now look to improve your use of meter and imagery. A good book for learning the technical stuff is Stephen Fry's 'The Ode Less Travelled'. You'll be fine.
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