INTRANSIT
on Consider the Grass by Dovina
3 Jul 2007, 8:01 AM
There's still some trimming to be done.
Resilient, a lesson, can go.
Possibly- efficient, as well. Like the silo as a cola can.
Maybe not so much awe. Just watching, I think would be better.
I see potential beyond the break beat. I'd like to see you work this poem. w/h vote.
plunk.
i think s6 sums up the entire message succinctly.
s2 is a bit confusing: flatlines EKG, but no ink marks. and transparent links (as in weblinks)...?
i do like the analogies between your own vessel and that of an automobile. i am guessing the "logbook" is the recordings of a GPS device, and that someone rather upset/ill is driving around concerend for their well being.
dunno. i like the images and am intrigued by the "story".
How true. This is one of your best poems. When you wipe a spastic's ass, you must take care or the little cunt can shit all over your hands.
What a touching piece of writing. The reader is transported to a new world and the poet should be transported too.
As subtle as a 10 inch dick on a midget.
I just re-read this. I don't know why.
Pretentious.
This is actually rather lovely. I see that you too are enjoying the great British summer. The irony of using the word 'flood' to refer to the sun rather than the water is nicely done.
Nice work if you can get it
How about something from the lighter side of life?
at least she gave it's arse a break
that's poetry - brilliant
Great stuff. I love stanzas 4 and 6. Keep up the good work--this site needs it.
Line 13 I'd like to see a comma after-with clarity.
The rest seems fine, Cristof got the typos. Model t against ferraris. Vivid !
Good on you for sicking with it. I know the facts, but what if you substituted a peach instead. The colors mix better. Grapefruits tend to be more defined. Not to mention it's an acidic fruit. Ah the challenge of haiku.
Some of the rhymes seem forced. It comes out fine in the end though. Is it your wedding vow? Jk
Oh, there’s a lost love in a dark void? Most intriguing.