Re: What the log book doesn't show by INTRANSIT	Skamper 202.6.132.59	3-Jul-07/7:15 PM
that's poetry - brilliant
Re: What the log book doesn't show by INTRANSIT	some deleted user 64.140.228.101	4-Jul-07/4:29 AM
Great stuff. I love stanzas 4 and 6. Keep up the good work--this site needs it.
regarding some deleted poem...	INTRANSIT 65.29.60.146	4-Jul-07/7:12 AM
Line 13 I'd like to see a comma after-with clarity. The rest seems fine, Cristof got the typos. Model t against ferraris. Vivid !
Re: light [edited] by lmp	INTRANSIT 65.29.60.146	4-Jul-07/7:18 AM
Good on you for sicking with it. I know the facts, but what if you substituted a peach instead. The colors mix better. Grapefruits tend to be more defined. Not to mention it's an acidic fruit. Ah the challenge of haiku.
Re: Farewell by Skamper	INTRANSIT 65.29.60.146	4-Jul-07/7:23 AM
For some reason, I want one more couplet. I'm gonna sit with Mage on this. There's GOBS of potential here. Put it away and look at it again in a week.
Re: Farewell by Skamper	Dovina 204.251.247.214	4-Jul-07/6:10 PM
I think commas would be better than dashes here. “What say you – Conscience” means that what you say is Conscience. But I think you are asking your Conscience what it says.
Re: Promise Knot by PsydewaysTears	Dovina 204.251.247.214	4-Jul-07/6:12 PM
Some of the rhymes seem forced. It comes out fine in the end though. Is it your wedding vow? Jk
Re: Dark void by Prince of Void	Dovina 204.251.247.214	4-Jul-07/6:15 PM
Oh, there’s a lost love in a dark void? Most intriguing.
Re: (Title pending) by INTRANSIT	Dovina 204.251.247.214	4-Jul-07/6:19 PM
There's this collective pinna to which you all have emotional ties. It's difficult for all of us (women) to get arround it.
Re: What the log book doesn't show by INTRANSIT	Dovina 204.251.247.214	4-Jul-07/6:25 PM
I does not show the bicyclist you went clear over to the other shoulder to pass, knowing that your wind gust might knock her off balance if you passed too close, and her sigh of relief. Was that you?
regarding some deleted poem...	dclark 67.140.202.198	4-Jul-07/11:28 PM
Its to hard to get into any of your work, no offense but you are a completely hideous writer. Make some things more catchy and less boring to read.
Re: What the log book doesn't show by INTRANSIT	Christof 62.121.23.56	5-Jul-07/7:09 AM
Stanza 6 is great - I love a judiciously used pun. I think the last stanza also sums the whole up very poignantly. I'm afraid I don't know what an EKG is, so I'm not sure if I entirely get stanza 2, though the meaning is clear, but generally I think this is one of the best things I've read on this site.
Re: (Title pending) by INTRANSIT	Christof 62.121.23.56	5-Jul-07/7:13 AM
Hey, I still like cochlea. This seems a little less sensuous than it did before - I'm not sure what other changes have been made - but it seems to me smoother and less memorable. I wouldn't have changed it. But you can't please all the people all the time...
Re: Promise Knot by PsydewaysTears	lmp 141.154.134.3	5-Jul-07/8:34 AM
first three stanzas work, then it all goes John Cage-ish and dischordant. maybe thats the way it goes.... things just fall apart.
Re: Farewell by Skamper	lmp 141.154.134.3	5-Jul-07/8:38 AM
agree with Dovina's coments and also with INTRANSIT. this does have a lot more potential, and you have shown us with previous work that you can polish this up.
Re: Understand by Luv2write	lexxie100 71.101.237.16	5-Jul-07/2:09 PM
expresses something that i think everyone has felt at some time or another. very true.
Re: I never Knew..... by SkateBoardGurl5799	lexxie100 71.101.237.16	5-Jul-07/2:13 PM
sounds like another tragic washed-up teenage story. far too common.
Re: Cheers to the Eve of Christmas by lexxie100	Dovina 207.119.192.70	5-Jul-07/2:24 PM
Better than your last one. Shows more insight that at 15-person should have. "My story will become Just one more volume to Line the Fates shelves" could be shortened or omitted. The "fate" thing is much overdone in poems, not just yours. Try to find a new twist on it. The last two lines are good.
Re: Summer Loving by Christof	Dovina 207.119.192.70	5-Jul-07/2:29 PM
Slips on her heels to achieve the S Of breast and spine, of calf, of self. These lines could start something from her POV. As it is, it gets quite twisted.
Re: Summer Loving by Christof	INTRANSIT 65.29.60.146	6-Jul-07/7:13 AM
Are you putting the -bottom of class against her heels? Raising her up, Physically and metaphorically, so to speak? It's the only thing that seems to carry no weight. I think the- Oh, bottom of class- is there without the statement.