Re: Cheers to the Eve of Christmas by lexxie100	INTRANSIT 65.29.60.146	6-Jul-07/7:18 AM
I think the first four lines could be condensed into one strong line. Mascara stains on the pillow should stay I think. -looking for the craven escape/ making the wind more bearable- is really good.
regarding some deleted poem...	INTRANSIT 65.29.60.146	6-Jul-07/7:20 AM
I'd try to get- prism colored- on the first line somehow.
Re: Lullaby by lexxie100	INTRANSIT 65.29.60.146	6-Jul-07/7:24 AM
I'm on the positive side here. Perhaps -memorie(s)- instead of night light. There's a subtle rythm in this poem.
Re: Runaway by Cougarchic	lexxie100 71.101.136.156	6-Jul-07/11:07 AM
i think this could be shortened, or slightly less repetitive, you use the same word- ex stayed and run and away too often. change it up a little.
Re: Mice by MacFrantic	lexxie100 71.101.136.156	6-Jul-07/11:13 AM
nice rhythm. the rhymes are a little overused though. "pretend" "end" and "best" "test" and "run" "sun" they seem a little elementary.
regarding some deleted poem...	lexxie100 71.101.136.156	6-Jul-07/12:07 PM
wonderful perspective on faults.
regarding some deleted poem...	lexxie100 71.101.136.156	6-Jul-07/12:09 PM
i think it's odd that at 15 your so completely against religion, bad experience maybe? and i think the pattern is too loose.
regarding some deleted poem...	lexxie100 71.101.136.156	6-Jul-07/12:12 PM
the title makes me think that this might be an anniversary of some sort of loss for you?
Re: Summer Loving by Christof	Dental Panic 85.146.196.165	6-Jul-07/1:49 PM
I like the image of the bottled wasp very much. I think it's possible to explore an image, or take it further, but you should never explain it - which is exactly what you're doing in the lines following the wasp: "Lured by sweetness, buzzing and wrestling And crawling the walls of the great empty vessel In which she is trapped." Ow! Guess I was to dumb to get it. The first part is pretty nice (skip one morning though), up to the lover's arrival. The rhythm goes out the window there and the whole poem becomes a bit lazy and self satisfied with stuff like 'fantasy girl' and such. And the grease doesn't do it any good either. Still, there's the wasp.
Re: What the log book doesn't show by INTRANSIT	Dental Panic 85.146.196.165	6-Jul-07/2:22 PM
Very good poem. Top of the scale. Worth all the rereads. And so forth.
Re: Miles Apart, You Say by Dovina	Dovina 12.64.216.181	7-Jul-07/6:54 AM
Today is 7/7/07, the luckiest possible. Now gimme tens.
Re: Miles Apart, You Say by Dovina	INTRANSIT 65.29.60.146	7-Jul-07/8:46 AM
yes, I think I'm going to let it ride.
regarding some deleted poem...	INTRANSIT 65.29.60.146	7-Jul-07/11:38 AM
I think this is longer than it needs to be. Love stanza 6. Really, It just needs a thorough pruning.
regarding some deleted poem...	INTRANSIT 65.29.60.146	7-Jul-07/11:41 AM
Small and clear.
Re: Body Worlds by Dental Panic	INTRANSIT 65.29.60.146	7-Jul-07/11:45 AM
Arier with cheer? You're so wierd !
Re: scene by Dental Panic	INTRANSIT 65.29.60.146	7-Jul-07/7:33 PM
I didn't.
regarding some deleted poem...	INTRANSIT 65.29.60.146	7-Jul-07/7:34 PM
Change insulin to sugar, perhaps?
Re: The Child in The Painting by PsydewaysTears	Dovina 12.64.66.80	7-Jul-07/7:45 PM
"There is" seldom works, especially at the start, adds nothing that I can see. "beyond the veil" - what does that mean? I can see this child though, so in spite of too many words, I get it.
Re: In the maybe by INTRANSIT	Dovina 12.64.66.80	7-Jul-07/7:58 PM
"sandpaper days" comes from some song I don't know. If not, it should. 1200 grit is extremely fine, I think, like polishing rouge, which is what the top of some heads look like. How it makes Friday fall short I can't see. Would be nice to carry the metaphor further. comma after hammer. Last 2 verses good.
Re: In the maybe by INTRANSIT	Dental Panic 84.27.244.4	8-Jul-07/8:14 AM
There is a good line in here, the one about chrismas I mean, but on the whole it drifts off in the ‘I make some kind of statement’ direction. You know, this and that: is nobody’s fault, no one knows, all I have, all I can, undsoweiter. It’s like generalising the personal in order to express an all too poetic mood of inconclusiveness. Perhaps. I could be completely wrong here. But one does have that liberty in the warm wet womb of the internet. Anyway, speaking of teachers – I just watched Taylor Mali perform ‘what teachers make’. I think your logbook poem is better, but this one is worse. So much for comparisons.