Re: courtyard by lmp	Dovina 65.171.117.171	29-Jun-07/3:03 PM
S1 is plain and easy. S2 is kind of haiku - very sparse. The two together seem mismatched.
Re: A See-Through Prayer by PsydewaysTears	Dovina 65.171.117.171	29-Jun-07/3:13 PM
The first two verses move along fine; I'm into it there. But in mid-poem, too many twists, too much I can't find allusion for, and wonder why every prayer should not be a see-through prayer.
Re: Why Do We Stay? by nypoet22	lmp 141.154.134.3	29-Jun-07/3:16 PM
i do like the improvement of the ending, although i would think Alex would "sulk" his answer; "huff" seems a bit wrong somehow, as if he were flummoxed (but maybe he is). interesting bit that Alex(ander) is making the comment about not following Bush any longer; the origin of Alex's name implies leadership. extra point for the content.
Re: Why Do We Stay? by nypoet22	Dovina 65.171.117.171	29-Jun-07/3:19 PM
I think you should drop the last verse. It's too telling, and really says nothing not implied above.
Re: Summer Festival by Christof	lmp 141.154.134.3	29-Jun-07/3:23 PM
i would start line 2 differently; it is disjointed and does not flow well from line 1. perhaps "we saw" instead of "there's" on line 2 or maybe omit "during" from line 1. no need for the "and" at the start of line 3. i do like the imagery and similies: "loose-limbed", "clinging", "flapping", "slick...like sweaty skin", and my favorite " dance a blissful drunken shrug". lines 3-7 very successfully animate the clothing as much as the wind would. a few nitpicks as indicated, but good work.
Re: Summer Festival by Christof	Dovina 65.171.117.171	29-Jun-07/3:28 PM
Either omit the one period or punctuate as prudent. I suggest the latter. Try omitting "and the" in L3, and "the" in L4.
Re: courtyard by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	29-Jun-07/3:42 PM
i can accept that the previously posted version of this in the concrete style sucked. i thank those that pointed out the flaws. while this may not be a better version, necessarily, it is at least more true to the original visceral response to (and memory of) the moment that motivated the penning of these words.
Re: light [edited] by lmp	Skamper 202.6.130.149	29-Jun-07/6:22 PM
I can see the image you are trying to create, and the contrast - but, find I would be lost if it wasn't for the comments above. So, maybe you need to put the fruit in the title somehow because I keep wanting to change 'rind' to 'ring' as if it's a typo...
Re: A See-Through Prayer by PsydewaysTears	nypoet22 65.8.70.95	30-Jun-07/12:10 AM
this reads like a Gaelic folk song. Now for the music...
Re: Deeper by Skamper	nypoet22 65.8.70.95	30-Jun-07/12:10 AM
made me chuckle.
Re: light [edited] by lmp	nypoet22 65.8.70.95	30-Jun-07/12:15 AM
i'd like to see something juxtaposing the skin of the grapefruit with the skin of the lover. the conceit seems to want it.
Re: courtyard by lmp	nypoet22 65.8.70.95	30-Jun-07/12:21 AM
the word today is not needed.
Re: Consider the Grass by Dovina	nypoet22 65.8.70.95	30-Jun-07/12:24 AM
there's only so much excitement you can inject into a poem about grass growing, but i applaud the effort. adding the "I" in the last stanza seems not to fit very well.
Re: Deeper by Skamper	Dovina 24.224.5.72	30-Jun-07/4:46 PM
Love ends! Frightened now?
Re: Summer Festival by Christof	Skamper 202.6.130.120	30-Jun-07/5:47 PM
very cute just as it is
Re: A See-Through Prayer by PsydewaysTears	Skamper 202.6.130.120	30-Jun-07/5:56 PM
very song-like, with an olde feel that doesn't quite make it...the punctuation is distracting. I don't feel anything for or from this write.
Re: courtyard by lmp	Skamper 202.6.130.120	30-Jun-07/5:58 PM
why the spacings now? I have seen this done in a few poems and don't get the idea behind it.
Re: Consider the Grass by Dovina	Skamper 202.6.130.120	30-Jun-07/6:12 PM
Surprising you find awe in grass - something I've never even considered to be wondered over. The first two lines in the last stanza bring an instant response of awe...but the grass! Interesting how your mind works with what you see.
Re: Lullaby by lexxie100	Skamper 202.6.130.120	30-Jun-07/6:16 PM
You don't need the 'night' in nightlight - we know it's dark you told us that in the first line of the second verse. Unless you are referring to the light a child may need to sleep with? Still you mention night again in line four - the flow would work better without the extra night.
regarding some deleted poem...	Skamper 202.6.130.120	30-Jun-07/6:17 PM
feeling your age lately?