Re: Timmy by richa	2-Mar-04/10:38 AM
Really the only part of this I don't like is the name Timmy. You'll have to excuse me if that's your name - but I don't believe you, since I don't believe anyone is really called Timmy. It's just a name we made up because it sounds like a typical innocent little boy's name. And it reminds me of that Mr Wizard spoof (on 'Dinosaurs'?) where Mr Wizard keeps saying 'We're going to need another Timmy!' every time Timmy gets his head incinerated by a jet engine or something. I'd be much more interested if his name were Larry, Lester, Jubel, or almost anything else. Or just 'Dead Child'. That, and I think 'digs his OWN small part' has a better rhythm. Maybe. I'm not sure on that one. Try it out. And leave the off the periods after churchyard - at least after the second one. Great poem, by the way.
Re: Early Morning by fevriere	2-Mar-04/10:49 AM
Wander... wonder? bothers me.
regarding some deleted poem...	2-Mar-04/6:02 PM
Two appropriate uses of semicolons. -10- and -10-.
Re: Pop the Pill by etherealmaiden	2-Mar-04/6:15 PM
I don't think you really pop pills. Sorry. Now I'm asking myself, how would a real pill addict write this poem differently? And I'm thinking, probably by not writing at all. Or by not writing a poem about pill-popping. So, there are all sorts of tricky issues you could put in this poem - touching on, among other things, the authenticity of the authorial voice, the general Barthian meta-ness of writing a poem in which the narrator - obviously not a pill-popper - pretends to be one without really expecting to be believed (and is, for that reason, more believable.) That would really be something. Or you could just write about your own life instead.
Re: Sages by meektiger15	3-Mar-04/12:45 PM
**w'ls
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Mar-04/12:47 PM
"another wounded traveler beginning / their five hour stay" is very incorrect grammar. See if you can guess how.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Mar-04/2:24 PM
The first stanza is fine. Good, even. The second is rubbish, though. I'd drop it.
Re: To MY Mother by daveslady	3-Mar-04/4:28 PM
re "beatutiful cemetary" - if this were intentional, it would be beyond genius.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Mar-04/6:17 PM
Hey you have a band? That's cool. I'm in a band called The Brotherhood of the Righteous and Harmonious Fist (note: this is not made up.) Maybe if we come to New York we can play a show with you. One of our most popular songs goes like this: I was thinking of quitting this scene about the time when the cops rolled up. They said, we'd like to get your samples - and they handed out everybody dixie cups. One of them stood in the back and I thought that I recognized the guy - I said, hey man, you remember the time when I stuck that sharp stick in your eye? ... Then I was driving about 90 on 40 heading out of Wake county, When a bluelight flashed and I was stopped by a couple of mounties. They said, give us your license and anything else you have to barter; And I said, man you're just mad cause back in high-school I used to fuck your daughter! <chorus> Something about all these flourescent lights in here just makes me CRAAZYYYY!!!! <and so on. People go crazy over it.> I guess it looks kind of like shit on paper, though. But then, I think most songs look like shit on paper. In fact, I think people who think songs are poetry are mostly near-illiterates who have probably never read real poetry, or they'd see what a gigantic difference there is between even the best song and a decently-written poem. Do you think that's because I tend to avoid music that can be described with the terms 'jangling', 'folk-influenced', 'soulful', 'Paul Simon', or 'utter moaning crap'? I'd be really interested in hearing your answer. PS - I think this song is a giant improvement over your 'Pretending (All it Takes)'. Bravo.
Re: Windfarm by Nicholas Jones	4-Mar-04/1:40 PM
This poem is good except for the overuse of 'as' sentence structures (because any use is overuse, since they are the most common sentence structures in web-published stuff,) and the phrase "transmissions of the news", which sounds really odd to my American ears. Also, have you thought of putting it in the past tense? I'm not bothered by the present, but I've been flipping through Poet's Market recently and seeing a lot of publishers' comments like 'Consider not submitting poems in the present tense' and so forth. Again, that's not such a serious criticism on my part, just a suggestion.
Re: A Dutch Peasant by richa	4-Mar-04/1:44 PM
Great, as ever - though a little obviously a haiku (to me; maybe no one else will notice.) How important is it for you to stick to haiku form? Also, you're missing a semicolon (!) or period after lowlands.
Re: In My Minds Eye by daveslady	5-Mar-04/4:15 AM
If any of you at all seemed even halfway open to real critical comments, this site probably wouldn't be such a depressing, soul-blackening mindfuck. Don't you think?
Re: youre there... by PhSbLoNdE569	5-Mar-04/1:38 PM
If any of you at all seemed even halfway open to real critical comments, this site probably wouldn't be such a boring, soul-blackening mindfuck. Don't you think?
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Mar-04/1:39 PM
If any of you at all seemed even halfway open to real critical comments, this site probably wouldn't be such a egregious, skull-hollowing inducement to inhale gasoline. Don't you think?
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Mar-04/1:39 PM
If any of you at all seemed even halfway open to real critical comments, this site probably wouldn't be such a spitting, f(a)eces-smearing rampaging lunatic of a kidney-stone-passing. Don't you think?
Re: No Sunday Clothes by wilco	5-Mar-04/1:41 PM
If any of you at all seemed even halfway open to real critical comments, this site probably wouldn't be such a pants-wetting nightmare from which there is no waking. Don't you think?
Re: Woman in the purple cotton jacket(repaired) by INTRANSIT	6-Mar-04/8:01 AM
"As I watched her, I looked down at my right hand holding a forkfull of food. My left hand was circling my cup of tea. I looked back at her and wondered why." These lines are awful. Just awful. The rest isn't half-bad; just change the end to anything - anything at all! - other than looking at your own hands and wondering why. PLEASE!!
Re: Love a Duck by fuzzylogicisagimp	6-Mar-04/8:10 AM
DUCKS WITH AIDS!!!!!!
Re: I could rule myself by fevriere	6-Mar-04/10:23 AM
- no comma is needed after "operastar", which I hope you know isn't a word. - You missed a comma or something after "rose". - "metamorphosising" should be "metamorphosing". - "December doesn't close.)" And what the hell does that mean, anyway? Still it's nice to find one here I like.
Re: The Golden Rule by phbiscuit	6-Mar-04/12:46 PM
The first line makes less than no sense. I don't just mean in its relation to the rest of the poem, although in that department it is sorely lacking. But in a pure semantic sense as well. "I would. Die for you. r Sins I lo. Veyou All." It's like a foreign language. This poem would be a lot better without it. Stick with dirty backcountry semi-primates and their confused bits of wisdom.