poemranker ::Woman in the purple cotton jacket(repaired) by INTRANSIT

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Free verse № 93531

Woman in the purple cotton jacket(repaired)

by INTRANSIT

Member since 2002 · Posted 6 Mar 2004 · Edited 13 Mar 2004 · 27 comments

She talks quietly with the elderly couple, seeming healthy except for her rubberized hands: Small bendable fingers, look alikes, no fancy prosthetics, stainless hooks, or muscle triggers. It took both of her hands to manuever the fork just to pick a single beet slice. I watched her a moment more, paid the bill, and went outside to watch a father showing his son how to hold a stone for skipping.

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mean 7.56 weighted 6.28 rank 906 views 322 View voting details →

9 votes so far. Yours would make 10.9 votes so far

27 comments

[10] zodiac 6-Mar-04/8:01 AM Reply
"As I watched her, I looked down at my right
hand holding a forkfull of food.
My left hand was circling my cup of tea.
I looked back at her and wondered why."

These lines are awful. Just awful. The rest isn't half-bad; just change the end to anything - anything at all! - other than looking at your own hands and wondering why. PLEASE!!
[n/a] INTRANSIT › zodiac 6-Mar-04/8:56 AM Reply
you said "anything at all". Should I have thrown a pineapple at her perhaps? No you did not offend me a while back. I think you write well and I get jealous sometimes. often. thanks for your input though.
[10] zodiac › INTRANSIT 6-Mar-04/9:21 AM Reply
I think you should have paid the bill, walked out into the street, and been hit by a bus. Waking up in the hospital with two prosthetic legs would have actually been a less heavy-handed and predictable 'ironic' ending than the one you have here.

Really, I'd cut everything after beet slice, which is good, and (yes, seriously) add an ending where you walk out of the restaurant, NOT OBVIOUSLY THINKING OF ANYTHING - just description. At the very end the narrator a) passes under trees which reach up into the dark like hands, b) boards a subway/trolley/whatever where bored commuters loop their hands through those hand-loopy-thingies, or c) some less cheesy image of your own. DO NOT MORALIZE!!!1! DO NOT RECEIVE ANY OBVIOUS LIFE-CHANGING EPIPHANY ABOUT ANYTHING!! Just keep up the naturalistic description, and have a hand-image show up somewhere unexpected before the end. That's all and this poem will be great. If you understand, blink twice. Good.
[10] zodiac › zodiac 6-Mar-04/9:23 AM Reply
PS- Thin and gaunt are practically the same word here. How about: "She was thin, almost dead," or "She was thin, I was drunk, it was love."
[n/a] INTRANSIT › zodiac 6-Mar-04/11:55 AM Reply
I know that p/r is not a high wire act with an acrobatic sideshow for poets, so why are you here with us jugulars? jugglers.
[10] zodiac › INTRANSIT 6-Mar-04/12:41 PM Reply
What do you mean? I see you changed the ending already. I'm sure -=Dark_Angel=- will be ecstatic. I, however, am not.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › zodiac 6-Mar-04/1:06 PM Reply
I mean you are too good at poetry to waste your time or talents here. I hope this finds its way into the chipper where it belongs.(the poem) I am a "part time" poet. Do I need a black and yellow label? HEY ZZINNIA!! Make warning labels besides the wing things!!!!!
[n/a] INTRANSIT › zodiac 13-Mar-04/7:38 AM Reply
Even though I snapped, I still took careful consideration of your comment , and I waited until the right image came to me. Thanks again.
[6] nentwined 6-Mar-04/11:41 AM Reply
Odd. The conversation makes a bit more sense of it. But odd. I think I want more about the elderly couple, their interaction with her (if they were there with her, or if they just were all sitting at the same table). How old is she?

Hmm.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › nentwined 13-Mar-04/7:42 AM Reply
On a factual note, all three were together. The elderly couple looked like farmers. Sorry I can't be of more help than that. I was more focused on the one.
[8] deleted user 6-Mar-04/12:47 PM Reply
There are two people referring to she in this. The syntax does not always make clear which is which.

Like lower jaw inside her upper jaw.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › deleted user 6-Mar-04/1:15 PM Reply
She is not a she anyway. She is a what. A thing for others to gawk at for the rest of their miserable little existences!!!


what the hell is taking god so long.?
[7] Shuushin › INTRANSIT 9-Mar-04/7:41 PM Reply
hey - thanks.
[7] Shuushin 7-Mar-04/7:41 AM Reply
I'm fine up to "I wretched", and you throwing a pineapple slice - that's just sad, IT.

The reader ends up feeling more pity for the author. I'm fine with the prosthetic wielding lady, that is at least an interesting vignette.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › Shuushin 13-Mar-04/3:16 PM Reply
Thanks, Shuushin. I wasn't feeling very open that day. My apologies.
[8] SupremeDreamer 13-Mar-04/7:57 AM Reply
Well, its not bad, but it isn't something that gets my juices boilin either.. the moment conveyed might be the problem, or.. ah whatever. It is worthy of my vile score of seven in any case.
[7] Shuushin 13-Mar-04/8:18 AM Reply
I guess I liked it better when you threw the pineapple at her head.
[8] richa 13-Mar-04/11:26 AM Reply
I think what this poeme needs is some arbitrary line breaks. If I may:-


She talks quietly with
the elderly couple,
seeming healthy except

for her rubberized hands:
Small bendable fingers,
look alikes,

no fancy prosthetics,
stainless hooks, or
muscle triggers.

It took both of her hands
to manouevre, the fork
just to pick

a single beet slice.
I paid my bill
and walked outside

to a father
teaching his son
how to skip stones
across the pond.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › richa 13-Mar-04/11:38 AM Reply
MY GOD MAN! HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN KIRSCHNER? oops. Wrong room. sorry. Excellent point. It tickles the tympanum better this way also. I won't rewrite it though. It wouldn't feel like mine anymore. BTW, your Bretheren should sit next to "Instructions to a sculptor". Too bad the scoring has gotten such a bad rap.
[10] zodiac › richa 13-Mar-04/11:43 AM Reply
She talks quietly with
the elderly couple,
seeming healthy except

for her rubberized hands:
Small bendable fingers,
look alikes,

no fancy prosthetics,
stainless hooks, or
muscle triggers.

It took both of her hands
to manouevre, the fork
just to pick

a single beet slice.
I watched her a little
longer than I should have,

maybe, until a waiter
appeared beside me
clutching the bill
in a white glove.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › zodiac 13-Mar-04/11:46 AM Reply
but, why? I need to know WHY your image is better than mine. more immediate/direct, perhaps? Why- is very important to me.
Thanks for coming back.
[10] zodiac › INTRANSIT 13-Mar-04/12:23 PM Reply
Yours is better, but too hurried. Does that make sense?
[8] SupremeDreamer › zodiac 13-Mar-04/12:48 PM Reply
Looks like you're using the "Kid Glove" explaination.
[n/a] INTRANSIT › zodiac 13-Mar-04/3:13 PM Reply
Yes. I read not too long ago, that part of free verse is carrying the pace through the poem. Did I slow it correctly?
As far as the "kid gloves" are concerned, you don't need them, however, "heavy handing" doesn't work. Not that you intended that originally. I am oversensitive at times, too. One request? No rewriting in the future, please. It feels like you're doing the work FOR me. Just a bump in the right direction and a reason, and I'm good to go.

Thank you immensly, Captain Zodiac

INTRANSIT
[8] SupremeDreamer 13-Mar-04/3:20 PM Reply
Actually.. that does work better lol. blessed with eight.
[10] zodiac 13-Mar-04/3:40 PM Reply
-10-
[9] horus8 13-Mar-04/5:17 PM Reply
Perfect hazel. 9