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I could rule myself (Free verse) by fevriere See the crown slipping over one eye. This is an opera-star in full flow.
This is an ouverture.
My lungs swell with a lipstick-coloured fruit, my song ripens.
My cry is rose.
My land floods with rich words, bingeing poetry.
My touch is toxic and abundant, my clutch wide.
My sweep generous. My hips whitely overflow
from the straight band of my jeans.
Watch winter feed a metamorphosing maggot.
(However, this is not an epitaph. Life is incredibly short
and inflexible. But December doesn't close).
Up the ladder:
A Beggar Speaks
Down the ladder:
Waste Replacing
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.25
Posted: March 6, 2004 8:11 AM PST; Last modified: March 6, 2004 10:36 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.1490035 Overall Rank: 5323 Comments:
Jumpy, and bop.
ouverture should be overture - oevreture isn't either, shame.
'my lungs swell with a lipstick coloured fruit' - I do not know of any arctic purple coloured fruits. Also you lungs swell with a fruit???! 'my hips whitely overflow' - your hips overflow in a whitely manner? maybe a comma after whitely. 'metamorphosing maggot' - what does a maggot metamorphose into? 'december doesn't close' how about 'life, short and inflexible/december does not close.'
*grumbles* It was French.. *grumbles*
But I appreciate the "December does not close".
I'm fine with ouvreture (or whatever.)
very nice: "My touch is toxic and abundant", and I like much of the other descriptions, too.
The lack of enjambment... I don't think it does much for you in this case. And I agree with half of what Zodiac says, and I'm fine with "ouverture"
with reference to the ouverture debate, I suggest changing metamorphose to metaphormose which is far more interesting, and a none word to boot!
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- You missed a comma or something after "rose".
- "metamorphosising" should be "metamorphosing".
- "December doesn't close.)" And what the hell does that mean, anyway?
Still it's nice to find one here I like.
-operastar just became a word. So ner.
-why can't those sentences stand alone, grammatically? (This is a genuine question).
-damn, you're right for once
-"December doesn't close" - I am satisfied with this. It is meant to mean "December isn't the end", "December doesn't mean that life is over - winter's not finished, and after winter cometh spring".