Replying to a comment on:

I could rule myself (Free verse) by fevriere

See the crown slipping over one eye. This is an opera-star in full flow. This is an ouverture. My lungs swell with a lipstick-coloured fruit, my song ripens. My cry is rose. My land floods with rich words, bingeing poetry. My touch is toxic and abundant, my clutch wide. My sweep generous. My hips whitely overflow from the straight band of my jeans. Watch winter feed a metamorphosing maggot. (However, this is not an epitaph. Life is incredibly short and inflexible. But December doesn't close).

hammer 6-Mar-04/12:44 PM
ouverture should be overture - oevreture isn't either, shame.

'my lungs swell with a lipstick coloured fruit' - I do not know of any arctic purple coloured fruits. Also you lungs swell with a fruit???!

'my hips whitely overflow' - your hips overflow in a whitely manner? maybe a comma after whitely.

'metamorphosing maggot' - what does a maggot metamorphose into?

'december doesn't close' how about 'life, short and inflexible/december does not close.'




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001