Re: Room 34 Ashford Hospital by Caducus	11-Oct-04/5:26 AM
I've found that effectively parodying this poem requires changing fewer than ten words. The last line, especially, should be changed to: with brine-shrimp tearing at my eyes. I do hope someone gives it a shot.
Re: Feast On Me by cuddlytiger17	11-Oct-04/5:32 AM
Honest question of the day: Is a target - presumably a shooting target - really ever intended as a shield? By whom?
regarding some deleted poem...	12-Oct-04/5:10 AM
Your Spanish has gotten much, much worse. PS-Your Spanish poems are even more banal than your English ones - somewhat surprisingly, since your English poems are banal times infinity.
regarding some deleted poem...	17-Oct-04/5:27 AM
"what I feel is so deep and wide" is the best to date of your many descriptions of anal sex. -10-
Re: A Lovely Cog by Dovina	21-Oct-04/1:06 AM
I posted a poem full of grammatical and other errors. Why don't you ever comment on mine? This poem is just too simple. That's all.
regarding some deleted poem...	23-Oct-04/6:33 AM
The best part about this poem is how you don't know how wretched your grammar really is. You pretty much say in one part: something made me regret a lack of words [that was] missing. Well, was the lack missing, or were the words? Who the fuck knows!?! Oh, and you misused "lead", most likely meaning "led". And the sentence before that isn't really a sentence either. And no word in this comment is longer than two syllables, except "syllables", so shut the fuck up. You're the one who made such a big deal about vocab in the first place. And I take it back, the best part of this poem is how none of the three people who've voted on it noticed anything wrong. -thumbs down- ;_(
regarding some deleted poem...	23-Oct-04/6:34 AM
To Dovina and CLS: You can't say "Everyone has their...". <END COMMENT>
regarding some deleted poem...	23-Oct-04/6:37 AM
I don't see why you're so down on me, anyway, when we're really pretty similar. We both live in hot tacky places which none of the rest of the world cares about until they're on fire.
Re: Women by Bakar	23-Oct-04/6:40 AM
It's a riddle. The answer is: you!
Re: A Better God by Dovina	24-Oct-04/5:03 AM
And then, because you always make me feel kind of furtively generous, here's some real criticism for your poem. It's more and better than you've done for anyone else here in recent memory. That's the whole fucking point. Check out this hook: 1) "with great beauty and wit" is poorly phrased and an innaccurate description of how you'd set up a world. If "with great beauty and wit" is how you'll be acting while you're setting up the world, then beauty seems kind of out of place. If the world is going to have the qualities "great beauty and wit", even before you've made people in it, then wit is out of place. You might consider changing it. 2) "discover all ... quite pleasing and right" is an innappropriate use of discover. You can't or shouldn't, for example, "discover a dog friendly". You might consider changing it. 3) I don't understand why you're not "leav[ing] about" ancient texts, when you just said you'll "show them... how their world was formed" etc. Aren't those pretty close to the same thing? You might consider changing one of them. 4) What are you on about "self-made diseases"? That's all kind of pleasing and nice, but if you're going to believe in a God, you pretty much have to believe He made diseases, too. Oh, right, you're not going to be that kind of God. Well, you might consider changing it so people don't think you're just taking a super-easy way out. 5) In fact, there's no kind of conflict here, except the half-alluded-to one with the real God, which isn't really enough and isn't fair since God can't answer. Besides, almost everybody in the world besides you and me, practically, thinks God IS exactly like this poem. As it is, this poem is just kind of a daydream and fluff. You might consider doing something about it. 6) The places where the rhythm is off make the rest of it - the rhythmed part - seem kind of jumpy and weird. You'd do better to either loosen up the rhythmy parts or tighten up the non-rhythmy ones. 7) Stanzas 2-4 just repeat the same idea, sometimes contradictorily. The last stanza, particularly, doesn't pack very much of a punch, mostly because it's already been said. You might consider adding some more ideas and condensing these to one stanza. 8) Other than an inconsistent rhythm and the big honking central conceit, there's not really a lot of poetic phrasings or devices (like bits of simile, metaphor, alliterative words, or original ways of describing things.) You should consider adding some of these. 9) By the start of the twentyfirst century, this is all kind of old hat. The only part that makes it not old hat is that most twentieth and twentyfirst century writers have figured, probably rightly, that their worlds would have all sorts of problems, too, while you haven't. 10) If you say this isn't criticism because I haven't added some, I don't know, praise-thingy on the end here, well, sorry, that's not my idea of criticism, and I guess I should have a pretty good idea about it by now, shouldn't I? Well, ta-ta! Yours truly, zodiac in Karak Islamland
regarding some deleted poem...	26-Oct-04/5:54 AM
Joann, a "performer", says "cum in my eyes." She also does anal, which should be no surprise, since she's proven to have a sandtrap-sized twat And no feeling neck-down since that fall in her flat. The highlight of our group is someone named Dewi With no arms and legs she's rather like a harbour bouy. For support, she is carried by Chris L. and Newman, Who find it quite hard to consider her human. Dewi’s assistant is the mulleted butch Chris, S&M's what she lives for, with a BBW twist. She played chicken on train platforms, until once she did slip, And now she's a terribly ugly retard crip. The Chairman of all is "Doctor" Newman, our big Daddy, He's not really a doctor, and he's so obese that he Nearly prolapses whenever he blows upon us, So we've often suggested he use some sort of harness.
Re: Alone by rrashi	27-Oct-04/1:18 AM
Great@!!1
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Nov-04/12:18 AM
Your Spanish is bad as ever. Contigo is one word. Sueno should be sueño. You mispunctuated after the second necesito, corazón, and bonitas. And the only thing that keeps this poem from sounding like the worst kind of cliche hack is that Spanish songs pretty much do sound like this. As always, Spanish sounds more romantic and less cliche than English to you because you don't speak it very well. Do you think the following lines sound like anything but hack in English? Tell me please Because I want to know. I need to know and how I need you With all my heart And all my body. I'm going to dream with you tonight In your arms of love. We're going to do many beautiful things In my head. Tell me... tell me Tell me, please, do you love me? I love you... my love... - Jesus, you probably do.
Re: Ash by horus8	3-Nov-04/12:49 AM
Dickenson.
Re: Butterflies by Caducus	3-Nov-04/12:56 AM
In all seriousness, I would spend less time worrying if I'd included enough polysyllables and more time fixing hack, overwrought and ungrammatical sentence structures. Like the repeated subjectless past tenses in the first stanza (including bonus mispunctuated last two lines!) Like "from... to" in the second stanza. Like the incomplete present-participled sentence in the third (and, bonus! more incorrect and missing punctuation!!!) Like "saying goodbye... to meet again", which sounds trite AND is hard grammar. Like comma-bound non sequitors throughout. PS-Do you think there are seasons in the afterlife?
Re: My Poison ( Vodka ) by Brittanyy	3-Nov-04/12:58 AM
I'm with richa. By the time you're vomiting, you're not ashamed of much of anything.
Re: 10.25.04 by oneglove	4-Nov-04/5:18 AM
It's weird that you say the moon is male and sun is female. Simone de Beauvoir would be shocked into dropping her French tickler. Maybe with a hollow thud on the rug and everyone would kind of stand around pretending not to notice while she stooped quickly and maybe unashamedly to tuck it back in place because she is after all Simone de Beauvoir and if she wants to walk around with one of those clamped in her trap well she probably knows what's best for Simone de Beauvoir, doesn't she?
regarding some deleted poem...	4-Nov-04/5:28 AM
Here's what's wrong with this poem, the short version: 1) "another aid of a hand" doesn't make sense. 2) "seasons" ARE like something, not IS. 3) I have no idea what you're on about at the bushes part. Is it too dry for bushes or not? 4) No punctuation. 5) sunset and set don't really rhyme. 6) wind blows, not blow. 7) "as" in that line is unnecessary. 8) loam IS soil. 9) the place you're describing doesn't make much sense or seem very real. If you're talking about the Middle East, as I think you are, you should actually try taking a look at it some time. PS-I live there. 10) "From and to the blue of the cloud" is silly. 11) "as" in the next line is again unnecessary. 12) And in the next line. 13) Au pair watch children. They don't invite other comparisons, really, except to make rhymes. 14) "lost is" is better "lost are"; "living is" would better be "living are". 15) That whole stanza should be cut. 16) "play" in the last stanza should be "played" or "plays". 17) the second to last line is especially bad. Question: Are you from Decapolis.com?
Re: Grandma by Dovina	4-Nov-04/5:32 AM
I agree with richa again. I don't think older peoples' senses are sharpened. Considering how bad things are for young people with, say, childhood arthritis, it's easy to imagine old peoples' senses are dulled somewhat to pain. Honest question: What do you think is the difference between good works and goodness of the heart? Do you think people just accidentally do good works most of the time?
Re: Perfect Time of Year by wilco	4-Nov-04/5:38 AM
I'm suspicious of poems which do that repeated-adjective-on-its-own-line thing. Call me screwy. And I don't like the last two lines at all.