| Re: a comment on The generosity of others. by darby pyn |
19-Oct-02/3:06 PM |
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How much time do you spend editing yourself?
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| Re: The generosity of others. by darby pyn |
19-Oct-02/2:52 PM |
I really connect with the way you write. It needs some refining, but you have a natural and distinctive flow. It's 'cerEmony' . I'm impressed by many of your images. The penultimate line is a true beauty. Pause after "posture' . 'hold' to 'holding' a want a line break between 'smoke' & 'coated'.
Sage
Scents floors with no room to grow. stiffen
my posture, holding my bow at attention.
dizzy from the smoke
coated prayers with no knees, just needs.
I or nothing. nothing. no thing just
manicured widows, white dress and green
eyes trade fingers for palms on sunday. ceremony
not service. popularity from thrift with diamond watches
gold plated hearts well versed in spin but not
sincerity? twist the contradiction to a noose.
hang
the messenger
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| Re: journey to being the top rapper by kliq |
18-Oct-02/8:47 PM |
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You're world sounds more racist then mine. Your sister has food stamps, she doesn't need to trade sex for bread.
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| Re: a comment on Impervious by heart |
18-Oct-02/8:36 PM |
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Oh yes! Tired soul, of course, and bouncing not sticking. No wonder I didn't quite get the title. The scene swept me away.
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| Re: a comment on regret. by darby pyn |
18-Oct-02/8:31 PM |
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It's so expensive. I have a dear friend who's loaded so he always fronts me tickets to everything. His my my Big daddy. I poor but well connected. Go checkpout Horus8 at gangbox. It's free and he is a true genius when it comes to music and spoken word. Check it out.
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| Re: a comment on regret. by darby pyn |
18-Oct-02/8:14 PM |
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Much better. I'm glad you like my poems, they are my best friends. I think you should put a stop after 'memories behind'. Either a period or drop the following words down to the next line, also a stop after 'arrivals' would help. I like -=Dark_Angel=- also. Shhh, don't tell. I f you're interested in hearing what one of my poems sounds like you can find me at www.gangbox.com. It's Horus8's website and he was kind enough to let me record at his place last night. Check out his recordings I have the feeling you'd love them. Saw the Buzzcocks live last month, they were great.
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| Re: Loosed by <~> |
18-Oct-02/7:50 PM |
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Better. Juliet didn't drink her death but I don't mind. She did unsheath one happy dagger. Perhaps it should be "my weapon" singular.
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| Re: Impervious by heart |
18-Oct-02/7:47 PM |
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Very sweet. You must have been in a terific mood when you wrote this.
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| Re: regret. by darby pyn |
18-Oct-02/7:36 PM |
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Caught between hell and home is fucking fanstastic. this quickly turns to caios at "bored contention..."
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| Re: a comment on oedipus is raising a pint to me now by <~> |
18-Oct-02/7:29 PM |
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| Re: oedipus is raising a pint to me now by <~> |
18-Oct-02/7:03 PM |
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Yea wel,l Oedipus didn't know what he was doing, you on the other hand...
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| Re: a comment on Hunt by cobalt |
18-Oct-02/6:54 PM |
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See my previous comment, break or burst towards heaven? I want you to take me hunting. I promise I'll be very good.
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| Re: a comment on Hunt by cobalt |
18-Oct-02/3:14 PM |
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| Re: a comment on Hunt by cobalt |
18-Oct-02/3:12 PM |
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Uncradled does not bring to my mind unsafe. Are the slivers of blue ducks or bullets? I think ducks. Change shoot to break or burst. what do you think?
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| Re: Hunt by cobalt |
18-Oct-02/1:34 PM |
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Well done. I don't get 'uncradled'. The rest is perfect. On second thought 'heavenward' seems like it might easily be replaced by something with more impact.
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| Re: sex by Limness |
18-Oct-02/1:30 PM |
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Ain't it the truth. Young and dumb.
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| Re: a comment on FHjk by Dark Angle |
18-Oct-02/1:19 PM |
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You mustn't speak of Nigel that way. He's alive and well I can tell you. I snuck into his room last night after you fell asleep, I hope you don't mind.
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| Re: a comment on Loosed by <~> |
18-Oct-02/10:58 AM |
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Duh, I knew it sounded wrong, oh well. Ummm, he was fucking awesome. Did a few covers, most notably BrownSugar by the Rolling Stones. He was well above lucid. Sharp and to the point. Enjoy.
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| Re: When Your Best Friend Says You Drink Too Much by jessicazee |
18-Oct-02/10:12 AM |
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Your previous 2 were so good, my expectations are not met with this one, but I can see it in there, like a red speck in an egg. The last stanza is my favorite. Trying starting with that one and see were it leads, Sugar Dumpling.
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| Re: Ode to Larkbeat Twoshoes by Nicholas Jones |
18-Oct-02/9:23 AM |
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I must be in a good mood, everything looks brilliant today. My only peeve is the use of 'time' twice and the end of a line.
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