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Hunt (Free verse) by cobalt Greener than the leaves
irridescent heads glint against
a dun river's shimmery lap, lulled
Instantly uncradled, slivers of blue
flash from unfurling wings
burst heavenward
as shot shatters silence in the reeds
He sits silent, blinded
awaits the fall
Up the ladder:
Milk & Honey with a touch of PCP <the dead cat edit>
Down the ladder:
The Day the Winter Muse Fighters of the World Came By
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.5
Posted: October 18, 2002 1:01 PM PDT; Last modified: October 21, 2002 7:19 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.4034123 Overall Rank: 3095 Comments:
[n/a]
knickytoy @ 24.45.19.89
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18-Oct-02/1:13 PM
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Reply
What's with the hunting? You and Rexx should compare notes. Ducks vs. Deer: Discuss.
Well done. I don't get 'uncradled'. The rest is perfect. On second thought 'heavenward' seems like it might easily be replaced by something with more impact.
uncradled, as in no longer safe--heavenward, because of the implied death the shots will bring. y or n?
Uncradled does not bring to my mind unsafe. Are the slivers of blue ducks or bullets? I think ducks. Change shoot to break or burst. what do you think?
Some of the images are a bit confusing. "greener than leaves" hunting season is in the fall when the leaves are changing, so this loses me. why is he blinded. Did he hit himself with the recoil? "uncradled slivers of blue
shoot heavenward" is confusing. I think I know what you are saying, but it is not necessarily coming across.
He is in a blind.
why does greener than leaves lose you? it is in the fall, and the leaves are no longer green. can that not be surmised, or does the timeline confuse? i thought that was clear. hmm.yes, mrs.g, he is in a blind. the ducks shoots free of their cradle--the river, where they are rocked gently, and they shoot heavenward with the sound of the shot. the slivers of blue are inside their wings--you've seen that? how would you suggest making it clearer without destroying the sparseness of it?
See my previous comment, break or burst towards heaven? I want you to take me hunting. I promise I'll be very good.
'awaits the fall' is good - it makes me think if fall of man, as if something less than innocent is going on which he is too blind to see.
where's the harm in a little blood sport?
Well, nothing. It was just an allusion that the last line pushed in my head. Seemed to kind of sexualise the whole thing,as if the hunt were a metaphor for something else. But that might be me and my predilection for hanging around in reed beds. I've said it before, I can always be relied upon for aberrant readings.
i tend to sexualize everything any way. no harm, no foul.
Or fowl, even.
Excellent edit.
BOLSAU
DUCK KILLER!
I know you can do better than that. After all the pleasure of the capture and kill comes entirely from the hunt. Have pride in seeking the hated. Take joy in how you reach your victory
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