poemranker ::Hunt by cobalt

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Free verse № 21139

Hunt

by cobalt

Member since 2002 · Posted 18 Oct 2002 · Edited 21 Oct 2002 · 17 comments

Greener than the leaves irridescent heads glint against a dun river's shimmery lap, lulled Instantly uncradled, slivers of blue flash from unfurling wings burst heavenward as shot shatters silence in the reeds He sits silent, blinded awaits the fall

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17 comments

[n/a] knickytoy 18-Oct-02/1:13 PM Reply
What's with the hunting? You and Rexx should compare notes. Ducks vs. Deer: Discuss.
[9] god'swife 18-Oct-02/1:34 PM Reply
Well done. I don't get 'uncradled'. The rest is perfect. On second thought 'heavenward' seems like it might easily be replaced by something with more impact.
[n/a] cobalt › god'swife 18-Oct-02/1:56 PM Reply
uncradled, as in no longer safe--heavenward, because of the implied death the shots will bring. y or n?
[9] god'swife › cobalt 18-Oct-02/3:12 PM Reply
Uncradled does not bring to my mind unsafe. Are the slivers of blue ducks or bullets? I think ducks. Change shoot to break or burst. what do you think?
[5] poetandknowit 18-Oct-02/2:22 PM Reply
Some of the images are a bit confusing. "greener than leaves" hunting season is in the fall when the leaves are changing, so this loses me. why is he blinded. Did he hit himself with the recoil? "uncradled slivers of blue
shoot heavenward" is confusing. I think I know what you are saying, but it is not necessarily coming across.
[9] god'swife › poetandknowit 18-Oct-02/3:14 PM Reply
He is in a blind.
[n/a] cobalt › poetandknowit 18-Oct-02/3:59 PM Reply
why does greener than leaves lose you? it is in the fall, and the leaves are no longer green. can that not be surmised, or does the timeline confuse? i thought that was clear. hmm.yes, mrs.g, he is in a blind. the ducks shoots free of their cradle--the river, where they are rocked gently, and they shoot heavenward with the sound of the shot. the slivers of blue are inside their wings--you've seen that? how would you suggest making it clearer without destroying the sparseness of it?
[9] god'swife › cobalt 18-Oct-02/6:54 PM Reply
See my previous comment, break or burst towards heaven? I want you to take me hunting. I promise I'll be very good.
[9] Christof 21-Oct-02/7:28 AM Reply
'awaits the fall' is good - it makes me think if fall of man, as if something less than innocent is going on which he is too blind to see.
[n/a] cobalt › Christof 21-Oct-02/7:31 AM Reply
where's the harm in a little blood sport?
[9] Christof › cobalt 21-Oct-02/7:34 AM Reply
Well, nothing. It was just an allusion that the last line pushed in my head. Seemed to kind of sexualise the whole thing,as if the hunt were a metaphor for something else. But that might be me and my predilection for hanging around in reed beds. I've said it before, I can always be relied upon for aberrant readings.
[n/a] cobalt › Christof 21-Oct-02/7:36 AM Reply
i tend to sexualize everything any way. no harm, no foul.
[9] Christof › cobalt 21-Oct-02/7:39 AM Reply
Or fowl, even.
[9] god'swife 21-Oct-02/9:14 AM Reply
Excellent edit.
[7] -=SeTTle=- 16-Dec-02/9:31 AM Reply
BOLSAU
[7] Bachus 19-Dec-02/1:53 PM Reply
DUCK KILLER!
[2] Freethinker1602 1-Jan-03/11:58 PM Reply
I know you can do better than that. After all the pleasure of the capture and kill comes entirely from the hunt. Have pride in seeking the hated. Take joy in how you reach your victory