| Re: Sugar Coating by nentwined |
2-Jan-05/12:55 PM |
lol, this is the third time I've logged in and the second time I've gotten two of *your* poems to randomly review...
dimples? that's not what came to mind. Either way, a good message.
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| Re: Betwixt and In Between by dougsoderstrom |
2-Jan-05/3:44 PM |
Doing nothing is always an option.
It made me consider Frost's poem, and how it would be different if he had actually taken neither road. I think it would pretty much end in the first stanza.
*Eventually* you gotta do something, even if it is "went back the way I came".
And what the heck did you do to piss off Zodiac? I think he's just jealous.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
2-Jan-05/3:47 PM |
Not too shabby, really. a bit of teen angst, sure - a tad pimply (a tad...) but well metered.
Thats a crapload of knives though.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
2-Jan-05/6:29 PM |
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(that was me). We need more of this shit.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
2-Jan-05/6:32 PM |
Nice title. And a pretty wonderful piece...
tweakable: "--why, if I had toast instead of family
then christmas would pass quite crunchily"
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
2-Jan-05/6:43 PM |
Day 72: Wooden boy makes a useful bed. If only I could get him to tell the truth then quickly tell a lie a little more often.
8, because I don't get the thing with the blowhole.
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| Re: Rebirth by Beyond_Dreams |
3-Jan-05/8:50 AM |
There is quite a bit there. I'd like to see some stanza breaks.
And as one example, you tell me "my old feeble body" - I rather get that from the rest, or should.
Telling me the same thing several times in standard ways, is not nearly as effective as telling me once - but in a memorable way.
Having said that, I think this is a notch or so above average; some good vocab. It could pretty easily be more - might even be a two or more poems in here.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-Jan-05/8:48 PM |
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A good story. Is it really that bad? I'm here in the land of Hampshire the New, where we have a thing called snow. How would they in LA like some of that I wonder?
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| Re: the nature of our stillborn by Crakyamuni |
4-Jan-05/8:31 AM |
Well. Very nice, except I could do without the refrain - and this line:
"Don't smile and laugh, it's distance" - comes off as a concession to rhyme.
btw, as to the content (versus the form) - the message is that you were almost certainly trying to both love *and* be clever. At least to be clever.
I want to give this a nine, but that list bit keeps me from it.
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| Re: The Snowcone Man by Zalev |
4-Jan-05/8:37 AM |
a well made Acrostic to be sure - barely forced at all, really - okay, the "D" is forced. Maybe
"Death took the snowconeman, and my smile." -
or "Death took the snowconeman and he took my smile." - something like that?
and try "You want buy one?", he'd..." (should at least be in quotes).
Either way, nicely done, and an acrostic to boot.
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| Re: Mystery Stranger by Zalev |
4-Jan-05/8:42 AM |
capitalize "[L]ord", I think.
Another unforced acrostic, nice - though I liked the other better (this one has a less flowing feel; more list-like, which is especially bad in an acrostic).
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| Re: The Christ Omelette by horus8 |
5-Jan-05/6:53 AM |
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Crazy in all the right places.
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| Re: Both Sided Acrostic by Bhaskaryya |
5-Jan-05/8:19 AM |
(parallel acrostic) Hey! not bad at all.
couple gotchas in there "A Ordeal" s/b "An Ordeal" so you'll likely have to play with that again.
and "Yarns" is a sticking point.
But still - good and interesting work.
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| Re: Math Poem 3 by Dovina |
6-Jan-05/9:43 AM |
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You generated alot of interest in this one, D - nice work.
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| Re: The Toilet Paper Tumbles by PsydewaysTears |
6-Jan-05/9:47 AM |
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reminds me of meatball I once knew.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
6-Jan-05/12:32 PM |
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| Re: War Story by dougsoderstrom |
6-Jan-05/4:21 PM |
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kindof amazed that there are so many workable rhymes for "for" (I think you forgot "two-dollar whore")
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| Re: The Way by Dovina |
6-Jan-05/8:22 PM |
ouch - an anon one. Interesting thought. Is this a "do, or do not - there is no try" (Yoda) kinda thing?
I like it - maybe we need an "aphorism" category.
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| Re: Johnny football painter by Crakyamuni |
6-Jan-05/11:22 PM |
carnivorous
irreparably
and, what the hell, tremulant... I like the word - I don't like it there. Maybe if I knew your work better I could more easily accept the reach of it.
It has a nice feel/flavor to it overall, though.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
8-Jan-05/11:47 AM |
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very cute except for the last last bit. Fell apart at sowed...
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