Re: Empty Expressions, Watching You by cuddlytiger17	8-Jan-05/7:22 PM
Great Job.
Re: Runaway by Cairsten	9-Jan-05/7:09 AM
Quite nice. A good sign is that I fairly quickly moved past the form of the poem (although the comma's are slightly... distracting - at least a learning curve) right to the content. I found this interesting, "I fumbled with childhood doors/As firmly shut against me as she is" yet in both cases (the door and the girl) you have the keys in your mouth. An enjoyable, mature piece.
Re: Runaway by Cairsten	10-Jan-05/7:21 PM
surprised u haven't gotten more play on this.
Re: spiritually driven by Crakyamuni	11-Jan-05/10:42 AM
I like the language, but it's plagued a little by some grammar/syntax issues and it looses something with concessions to rhyme and format. Easily fixed all, I think. Starts with "fundamental" - I want it to be "fundamentally" but it could really be that you meant it as "fundamental" - EXCept then I see the "were" which certainly should be "we're", the the un-need "being" in "being constructed", some extra commas and I come to "together we loot", "[together we] death" so I start to doubt the correctness of "fundamental" all the more. I'd like to see a version without all the indentations since it tends to be a distraction if the thing isn't *perfectly clear* to begin with. The last seven lines are nice and clean, a little messy just above it (the stealth line seems very forced for ("wealth")). Pretty close, pretty close.
Re: My nieghborhood(1) by thepinkbunnyofdoom	11-Jan-05/2:20 PM
yeah, this needs to be longer. And consider something else besides the hours/devours couplet. good stuff.
regarding some deleted poem...	11-Jan-05/2:22 PM
I just can't get into the turnip thing - this doesn't make me sympathize with them, or care, somehow. Might make a good childrens book?
regarding some deleted poem...	11-Jan-05/2:24 PM
Interesting idea, the rythm of it kept me going - but to what end? A bit of a let down - needs a hook consistent with the ambiguity theme.
Re: The Wall is Crying by daggatolar	11-Jan-05/2:26 PM
As an excercise try to take out exactly half the words - gives you something like fourty to work with. Try it.
Re: The Poet's Plight by dougsoderstrom	11-Jan-05/2:31 PM
ars poetica, eh? Tough ground, tough ground because there is, imho, an expectation of artfulness in the expression. This one, while not breaking any new, has some nice moments. I was struck recently by the thought, "it doesn't matter how hard you cried when you wrote it - it don't make it good". This one though, aint bad.
Re: Justin by smellycat541@	11-Jan-05/2:42 PM
silly, cute. have a nine.
Re: I love by Leigha Browning	11-Jan-05/2:44 PM
turn each stanza into a poem then call back.
Re: Untitled 18 by PopoyMola	11-Jan-05/2:50 PM
"clairaudience" - thank you, good word. "hearing [a] sound[s] that linger[s]" you are allowed one "s" "condole" while a word, is awkward here (console). haunter - unusual, and usualy apostrophied. well. it's very heavy in vocab, and the subject is done and done and done - but somehow this rises a bit above the usual ... crap, for lack of a better word. Another example of, "in the valley of the blind, the one-eyed man is king". You get an 8 for making me go to the web 3 times to look things up.
Re: Winds Cakel by nothingtoanyone	11-Jan-05/8:58 PM
cackel v : make a cackling sound; "The fire cackled cozily" -------------------------- v. healed, heal·ing, heals v. tr. To restore to health or soundness; cure. See Synonyms at cure. To set right; repair: healed the rift between us. To restore (a person) to spiritual wholeness. v. intr. To become whole and sound; return to health (not heeled)
regarding some deleted poem...	11-Jan-05/9:01 PM
re "fobbish" - I think u mean fop·pish ( P ) Pronunciation Key (fpsh) adj. Of, relating to, or characteristic of a fop; dandified fobbish... aint n'er heard of it. --- Reeks of English as a second language, humble apologies if this is true.
Re: medieval myth by ThePariahDog	11-Jan-05/9:08 PM
"sole" - do you mean that one, as "sole survivor" - or do you mean soul - like "heart and soul"? Parts of this sound like an explosion in a thesaurus factory.
regarding some deleted poem...	11-Jan-05/9:11 PM
Reads like a parts list for a dragon story, not a poem. Forgive my bluntness, but you are telling the whole thing away.
Re: Veins by helenwales	11-Jan-05/9:19 PM
"thud" implies a kind of finality - at least to me, as in it was the last heartbeat. I know, you say "metronome" later - too late. "Faith in god, in breathing while you're asleep" does this mean god is allowing his lungs (diaphram) to contract and expand? And if this were the case, I would think such a generous entity would deserve a big "G" at least. Can't quite get a grip on this one's meaning - could be the several metaphors - nest/nature, metronome/music, goe/religion, root/no idea. vein/medicine. A riddle of some kind? Thinking... is this the famous egg of the Jesus Omelette??!
regarding some deleted poem...	12-Jan-05/6:11 AM
Could probably do without stating the obvious last line. Actually. Probably the whole last third. A good idea, if overwrought.
regarding some deleted poem...	12-Jan-05/6:37 AM
Really like the first bit with the hand/understand, corn/dawn; and the charred angels. It needs more of those more subtle rhymes like corn/dawn. Subjects like loss or rejection, in particular, can sound trite pretty quickly when hard and exact rhymes are used. then I'm put off a bit by the multiple use of the cloud/shroud partnering, and the loss metaphors are laid on fairly thick. Give me one or two nicely worked and fresh images rather than five or six overcooked ones. anyway, still shows promise and I can easily see why you want to keep working on it.
Re: Nectar of Infinity by MacFrantic	12-Jan-05/2:00 PM
nice