Help | About | Suggestions | Alms | Chat [0] | Users [0] | Log In | Join
 Search:
Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments   

Rebirth (Free verse) by Beyond_Dreams
I can count on my finger tips Each paper thrown away. Scrawling of inadequacy Momentarily plagued with Stunned fingers. Decayed and Crippling I throw about the crumbled papers From one side of the desk to the other. Searching for a word, a rhyme Anything to create this dismal Letter I’ve been trying to convey. The room fills with an Aroma of freshly ground coffee. The darkness deludes me. My hands tremble to pick it up But my old feeble body Wishes to not work, again. It spills I feel I should be spouting Off nursery rhymes. Oh you poor lunatic I shout! Old and decrepit much like fallen dreams Of the glorified youth of society. Deity calls me. The clouds push aside The canopy opens like a sheet of Paper new and fresh without Coffee stain spilled on them. The dial of the seismograph Starts up again beyond its old decrepit years. Nemesis of skeletal remains, Remnants of dirty washed out Forgotten dreams. A pen sitting untouched The hand barely made a mark

Down the ladder: Core Deep

You must be logged in to leave comments. Vote:

Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 01
.. 00
.. 10
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 10

Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Weighted score: 5.119203
Overall Rank: 5892
Posted: January 3, 2005 8:35 AM PST; Last modified: January 3, 2005 8:35 AM PST
View voting details
Comments:
[8] Shuushin @ 147.154.235.53 | 3-Jan-05/8:50 AM | Reply
There is quite a bit there. I'd like to see some stanza breaks.

And as one example, you tell me "my old feeble body" - I rather get that from the rest, or should.

Telling me the same thing several times in standard ways, is not nearly as effective as telling me once - but in a memorable way.

Having said that, I think this is a notch or so above average; some good vocab. It could pretty easily be more - might even be a two or more poems in here.


145 view(s)




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001