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20 most recent comments by Shuushin (881-900)

regarding some deleted poem... 5-Dec-03/7:27 PM
rings true, doesn't it - not too shabby, abby.

That big first stanza kinda seems begging to be broke - what u think? no?
Re: xxxmas by kingit 5-Dec-03/7:31 PM
excerrent up to "Eggnog" - its the stacato rum that breaks it.

the last stanza... first two lines, fine. The rest - would go nice in a diff. piece methinks.
Re: Letting Go by ThoughtfulSoul 5-Dec-03/7:58 PM
This is me blabbering:

The line breaks are telling - even the stanza breaks; well done. Either you've seen lots of good poems, or you have more good ones. But some of the word choices, metaphors are – too easy, to my eye, anyway.

Sentimentally, it’s a fairly basic, almost cathartic exercise, but cleanly - efficiently - executed. The tone matches the subject really well. Maybe you’ve just made lots of *this type* of poem.

For some reason the frickin thing intrigues me - makes me want to figure it out, as if there is more here. It’s like I want to see the skills used on some other subject, I want the adept structure building to match the images that are placed on it.

Now I have to go poke around at your other stuff (when I really should just go to bed, obviously)
Re: Reno by <{Baba^Yaga}> 5-Dec-03/8:14 PM
A lyric... - kindof like a Lou Reed type thing? That would work, but I feel like I'm missing the context of this, somehow. The little vignettes are done well - the rhyming stays *just* this side of being contrived.

The comments, even though they are over a year old, are pretty entertaining.

What prompted the re-post?



Re: No delusions. by darby pyn 6-Dec-03/5:50 AM
Interesting format, and I like the words/mood. I think it wants to be more though. Longer - stick a vaccuum pump on it.
Re: To W by kingit 7-Dec-03/6:28 PM
Here's a nine, mr. pillsbury.
Re: The Poison by TheTiredTyrant 8-Dec-03/5:52 AM
This is quite good. A bumping cadence that keeps things interesting.
Re: Memory Fragment I (lets kill eachother) by SupremeDreamer 8-Dec-03/6:12 AM
a nice pothead snapshot. Funny.

reminds me of a newstory I read last week about a guy who wanted to eat someone so he put an ad in the paper and someone responded. They ate the guys arms together then he killed the doner and ate the rest of him. All consentual (the guy still got in trouble, seems murder is *illegal*).

true story.
Re: The Morning Star by Shardik 8-Dec-03/8:34 PM
"I didn't dare ask who's
Cause it felt like mine..."

sweeeet.
regarding some deleted poem... 9-Dec-03/6:41 AM
awesome title pulled me in.

the double "her her" - intentional?

and "missing live" do you want that to be "life"?

maybe, since you use impecunious to describe the jury, you want to say "richer".

small nits aside, I like this strangeness.
regarding some deleted poem... 12-Dec-03/7:48 AM
It has a fairy tale feel to it with this kindof two choices; black/white, good/evil simplicity (would that it were so!).

This standing at the edge of an abyss (equipped with two bridges, apparently) is a classic existentialist image - interesting considering the context ("I stare into the abyss and it stares back"; a feeling of dread at the realization of nothingness)
Re: Without you by Luv2write 12-Dec-03/8:20 AM
I dunno. could do without a few of the cliches and stock images.

I actually thought maybe it was satire toward the middle there, started hoping for a twist ending.

Must be getting jaded in my old age.
Re: The man of steel by <{Baba^Yaga}> 12-Dec-03/9:01 AM
A nice quick and jaunty one-off. Probably built itself - maybe could use some reformatting/restructuring now that you know what it's about.

entertaining in any case.
Re: Dolphins Of Dorset by Caducus 12-Dec-03/9:40 PM
btw - I like this. Has an unforced flow to it.
Re: Christ For Sale by Caducus 12-Dec-03/9:44 PM
Nicely constructed, if a tad long.
regarding some deleted poem... 15-Dec-03/11:25 AM
I get it, the box is a dictionary.

Good idea, needs more assembly though.
regarding some deleted poem... 15-Dec-03/11:27 AM
it at least passes the time.

a good encapsulation of a universal emotion.
Re: bonsai by richa 16-Dec-03/7:45 AM
Lots of really nice imagery.

I like the sun cradled by branches and ref. to crossed legs of a cow - nice way to express that black branches white body thing birches do. Maybe "calf" would express a thinner body??

At first I thought it was "crow", and I liked that for different reasons (easy way to show lots of small branches) - so, an option, I guess (I might use that!).

Hacksaw? Though you may be expressing a sarcstic point of view, universally bonsai refers to growing a plant or a tree in a dish or shallow pot (thats what the word means) - so, I'm having trouble with the title.

Forgive my rambling (again), but I could live with the title if the ranger were to make a very small cut with clippers or something, even on a full sized tree - in this way you could keep all of your well-made scenery.

Hey, maybe add a modifier to the title to compensate for the context?
Re: bonsai by richa 16-Dec-03/8:23 AM
loose the "his" and make a change to "corrects a branch" (singular is more powerful here, methinks; adds to the implied perfection)
Re: All the rain has fallen by fair12 17-Dec-03/12:08 PM
winter as a loss of reason - love it.


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