| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
bonsai (Free verse) by richa The sun slopes from wide
like a gentle hill, and is cradled
by the branches
of birch standing crooked
like the crossed legs of a cow.
The south side of the valley
has been striped like sunburn,
and the crumbs
of soil are kindled like paper.
The park ranger, green coated
walks between beams
of light as solid as a stream's
constant water. With his secateurs
he corrects the branches,
walks back into the sun.
Up the ladder:
visitor
Down the ladder:
Lover
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 8.4
Posted: December 16, 2003 6:22 AM PST; Last modified: December 16, 2003 7:50 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.40529 Overall Rank: 3089 Comments:
[9]
sliver @ 63.190.80.192
|
16-Dec-03/7:06 AM
|
Reply
I can see the picture you've painted, but why a hacksaw? What metal is he cutting?
Lots of really nice imagery.
I like the sun cradled by branches and ref. to crossed legs of a cow - nice way to express that black branches white body thing birches do. Maybe "calf" would express a thinner body?? At first I thought it was "crow", and I liked that for different reasons (easy way to show lots of small branches) - so, an option, I guess (I might use that!). Hacksaw? Though you may be expressing a sarcstic point of view, universally bonsai refers to growing a plant or a tree in a dish or shallow pot (thats what the word means) - so, I'm having trouble with the title. Forgive my rambling (again), but I could live with the title if the ranger were to make a very small cut with clippers or something, even on a full sized tree - in this way you could keep all of your well-made scenery. Hey, maybe add a modifier to the title to compensate for the context?
changed the hacksaw in edit
loose the "his" and make a change to "corrects a branch" (singular is more powerful here, methinks; adds to the implied perfection)
Well at least someone around here is enjoying themselves.
If only the wayward branches of society could be tamed so easily...
271 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
