| regarding some deleted poem... |
23-Aug-03/11:35 AM |
i agree about the two different poems.....it seems to split somewhere along the way.
anyway...very nice.
2 things i don't like though: "angel dancing on its head"-its sort of a silly line and it doesn't fit.
also the last line would work beautifully-if it were a different poem. i don't know, it just doesn't seem to go with this one.
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| Re: A Poet's Rifle by SupremeDreamer |
23-Aug-03/11:47 AM |
must you always begin your poems this way?
it's arresting
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| Re: What you know by INTRANSIT |
23-Aug-03/11:52 AM |
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| Re: the wire by Bill Z Bub |
20-Sep-03/7:21 PM |
saves the best for the last half
no pretention
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
20-Sep-03/7:24 PM |
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too wordy and not half as elegant or clever as horus8's dribbling piss and hate poems.
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| Re: Lullaby by Goad |
27-Jan-04/7:53 AM |
this is beautiful. i went into thinking oh god a lullaby, but you surprised me.
spiders and pills, spiders and pills.
10
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| Re: Cold Rain Road by middenHeap |
29-Jan-04/7:36 AM |
alright. i like: hunched black bird,the pole, fragile egg body, gingerly, the jarring last line.
i dislike: beginning a line with the word "but," steel cubes (a poor metaphor) and i think thats about it.
interesting but ultimately could be much better if you just wrote it all together like a flow and din't worry about. i might be wrong but this sounds like it was written at different times...there are these intervals..
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
18-Mar-04/8:31 AM |
this, on the whole is pretty good. I like the lyrical style, you don't often see it written with potential.
a couple of criticisms though;
maybe I'm just stupid but i couldn't figure out what it was about. that's passable though, as sometimes that doesn't really matter.
second, you really went crazy with the alliteration in one of those verses and it totally lost me.
also I like your capability to ryhme and almost-rhyme really well, but i think you may have overdone it a little. I get caught up too much in that and it makes me irritated.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
18-Mar-04/8:34 AM |
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weak verse, doesn't make sense
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| Re: New Years Eve, 1999 by wilco |
18-Mar-04/8:42 AM |
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when I first started reading this, I really like it. I think it flouders midway but regains it's strengh towards the end. there are a few lines that bother me though, especially in the last stanza. I was expecting something that would floor me, but all I got was something that sounded like you gave up. Also, if you revise this, please take the word "etched" out the last stanza. maybe that was what ruined it. I'm giving it a 9 anyway.
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| Re: Buried pyramid by zodiac |
18-Mar-04/8:49 AM |
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Zodiac, you're the only one who comments anymore. I have to give this a 10
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| Re: A Permanent Fixture by wilco |
23-Mar-04/9:30 AM |
ok now be honest. you wrote this awhile ago too, didn't you? good, but not as good as the first poem i read of yours.
i really thought the last sanza was good, the 1st three lines anyway, but the last line just kind of faded out. i think....maybe you need to work on your endings. something more...grabbing or poignant.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
23-Mar-04/10:51 AM |
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what about cloaks? that sort of sounds like one of those "adorn" words but if you are not opposed to it, it sounds better that clothes and is relatively similar in sound.
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| Re: Puritans by zodiac |
23-Mar-04/11:04 AM |
alright first of all before I get angry I have to say I respect you very much as a writer, and as someone obviously much younger, I even look up to some of it.
But there is absolutely no way that I could ever let myself feel like a "flaming bullshit poeser," just becasue I don't write many things that rhyme. There's just no ground for it.
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| Re: Tennessee by wilco |
25-Mar-04/10:45 AM |
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predictable yes, but the ending was worded more beautifully than past arrangements. well done.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
15-Apr-04/10:35 AM |
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The rhymes here are for the most part very gentle and graceful. Very nice.
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| Re: The Idea of Fusion at the Beach (After Wallace Stevens) by coffeespoons |
15-Apr-04/10:37 AM |
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Haunting and arresting. Great first line.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
15-Apr-04/10:40 AM |
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This is so much better than the last thing I read of yours.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
15-Apr-04/10:41 AM |
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I guess that was kind of a backhanded compliment.
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| Re: LOVE-ABOVE LISTE by Everyone |
19-Apr-04/11:01 AM |
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Alright, I get it. Love rhymes with above
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