on some deleted poem
28 Jan 2004, 12:12 PM
yeah, it fits the form
i'd put trashcan together, but that's just me
i can't say the subject matter grabs me much though
i'd put trashcan together, but that's just me
i can't say the subject matter grabs me much though
on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac
29 Jan 2004, 10:37 AM
excellent
on To Avalon by annabellee
29 Jan 2004, 2:17 PM
i really liked this, but felt like it was only an opening to a much longer piece
i was definitely left wanting more, and not in a good way
still, very nicely worded
i was definitely left wanting more, and not in a good way
still, very nicely worded
on Alone Together by lynnkyle
30 Jan 2004, 11:40 AM
i really enjoyed how you describe around the topic
beating around the bush with artistry : )
beating around the bush with artistry : )
on some deleted poem
30 Jan 2004, 2:01 PM
grammar feedback:
Line 1: "were" should be "where"
Line 4: "to" should be "too"
Line 7: "wim" should be "whim"
Line 1: "were" should be "where"
Line 4: "to" should be "too"
Line 7: "wim" should be "whim"
on some deleted poem
30 Jan 2004, 2:08 PM
"carrion refuse" and "burning youth" feel too cliche
i enjoyed the last one the most
but "o'er" feels clumsy when read aloud
i thought "FL" was an interesting rhyme
but threw me off a little as well
i enjoyed the last one the most
but "o'er" feels clumsy when read aloud
i thought "FL" was an interesting rhyme
but threw me off a little as well
on some deleted poem
1 Feb 2004, 1:21 PM
you see, for this sort of personal attack on another poet to work you both have to be famous and acknowledged by the literary community, but you aren't
so shut it
so shut it
on some deleted poem
1 Feb 2004, 1:28 PM
in my opinion, this is much better than your other submissions
a few gentle suggestions:
i would change the title to something like "worms"
it gives a clue to the reader what you're talking about
and you already use "Helminthophobia" extensively through out the poem and don't need to waste it on the title
(personally i am a fan of the title adding extra meaning and content to the poem)
second, while this is free verse, you should still stick to your own rythmn and structure
so i would move the "NO!" up to the line previous
and edit the cats stanza to be 4 lines like all the other stanzas
i suggest deleting the last line in that stanza entirely and change the 4th line to "i go weak if i see one around"
this also helps because the peep line is awkward to say
anyway, very good effort here
you seem to be improving :)
a few gentle suggestions:
i would change the title to something like "worms"
it gives a clue to the reader what you're talking about
and you already use "Helminthophobia" extensively through out the poem and don't need to waste it on the title
(personally i am a fan of the title adding extra meaning and content to the poem)
second, while this is free verse, you should still stick to your own rythmn and structure
so i would move the "NO!" up to the line previous
and edit the cats stanza to be 4 lines like all the other stanzas
i suggest deleting the last line in that stanza entirely and change the 4th line to "i go weak if i see one around"
this also helps because the peep line is awkward to say
anyway, very good effort here
you seem to be improving :)
on some deleted poem
1 Feb 2004, 1:33 PM
great originality
well constructed
and i agree with the sentiment
but sorry, i got in :P
well constructed
and i agree with the sentiment
but sorry, i got in :P
on La Belle Epoque by andrewjthomas
1 Feb 2004, 1:38 PM
ok, this has several problems and i'd love some good editing comments
on some deleted poem
1 Feb 2004, 8:06 PM
amen
on some deleted poem
2 Feb 2004, 1:07 PM
reads like a bad harlequin
on Friends come and go, but sisters lasts forever. by devina
2 Feb 2004, 1:10 PM
you need to read up on verb/subject agreement
and your sisters aren't things in your life
they are people in your life
and your sisters aren't things in your life
they are people in your life
on The world today. by devina
4 Feb 2004, 3:46 PM
INZANE IN THE MEMBRANE!
tell me, how does it feel to suck this much?
tell me, how does it feel to suck this much?
on A Panglossian Farmer by richa
5 Feb 2004, 9:48 AM
nice sketch
on To A Streetchild by Sam
5 Feb 2004, 9:52 AM
very descriptive, a little cliche in a few spots (but not too bad)
i think you might do better to focus on your reaction to the child, rather than simply describing the child
if we read the hint of your pain and sadness
because you empathize with the child's pain and sadness
it just seems like it would impact more, you know?
i think you might do better to focus on your reaction to the child, rather than simply describing the child
if we read the hint of your pain and sadness
because you empathize with the child's pain and sadness
it just seems like it would impact more, you know?
on Soft Beak; Hard lotion by Bachus
5 Feb 2004, 9:56 AM
"My cleverness has turned into a very dill pickle" - confessional in a good way
very "beat"
could use some tightening in a few places
but enjoyable overall
very "beat"
could use some tightening in a few places
but enjoyable overall
on some deleted poem
9 Feb 2004, 4:45 PM
maybe i'm just too in-the-gutter, but "a one-eyed king" feels a bit too phallic
otherwise, i like the yin/yang of it
and i really dig the word play (sorted/sordid)
otherwise, i like the yin/yang of it
and i really dig the word play (sorted/sordid)
you still suck