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To A Streetchild (Free verse) by Sam
Scrubbing the dirt off of a muddy arm; The street lamps have died and the morning broken. Dawn arisen on a carton covered bed of rocks; Defiled pebbles growing cold in the descent of the night Just another day had passed, just another litter in the face of life. The shirt has always been the same Its only difference is it gets heavier each day, Weighty with the deposit of filth on the fibers of the skin and the eyelids thicker with dried down tears Eyelashes drooping down, crestfallen with black shadows of burden. Maybe a pale of water could wash off The hardships of the concluded day to a fresh start. Maybe it would clean away the tarnish of a broken dream And rinse off the unwanted memories of the biting night or drink away the forgotten hunger. Maybe it could take away the linings of earth In the palm of a soiled little hands and make it seem appealing For others to at least hand down a few cents and not to scare away the kindhearted ones willing to share the warmth that single centavo can provide to a desperate soul, enough to deliver hope To hold on to, perhaps until yet another day come to an end, Alone again in the hidden niche of the darkened street lamps.

Up the ladder: dream patterned
Down the ladder: Intestinal Splash

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Weighted score: 5.2689414
Overall Rank: 3894
Posted: February 4, 2004 10:35 PM PST; Last modified: February 4, 2004 10:35 PM PST
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Comments:
[5] SupremeDreamer @ 66.81.146.209 | 4-Feb-04/11:07 PM | Reply
It's melancholic and padded- over all it has little to offer (to me atleast). It's also redundant and doesn't evolve into a work of real subtance.

No offense, its just my take on it. Blessed with five.
[n/a] Sam @ 203.160.171.145 > SupremeDreamer | 5-Feb-04/12:10 AM | Reply
Thanks for the comment i'll take it for consideration and there's no offense taken. The poem actually is a sad one, pure emotions something where my brain does'nt count (LOL), reason why maybe it doesn't evolved much. I just scribbled it away, when i saw that poor child.
[6] andrewjthomas @ 192.150.10.200 | 5-Feb-04/9:52 AM | Reply
very descriptive, a little cliche in a few spots (but not too bad)
i think you might do better to focus on your reaction to the child, rather than simply describing the child
if we read the hint of your pain and sadness
because you empathize with the child's pain and sadness
it just seems like it would impact more, you know?
[n/a] Sam @ 203.160.171.145 > andrewjthomas | 5-Feb-04/4:31 PM | Reply
hey andrew thank you very much...that was very objective i'll put that in consideration...you're great
[10] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.212.215 | 5-Feb-04/10:20 AM | Reply
Sublimely beautiful and evocative. -10-
[n/a] Sam @ 203.160.171.145 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 5-Feb-04/4:33 PM | Reply
and you're sweet, you guys inspire me even more. glad to be sorrounded by great poets...cheers to poetry...i still beleive in its power to charge the world...the way the ancient ones did before!
[7] NanceXToo @ 24.229.216.168 | 5-Feb-04/2:17 PM | Reply
ah, my comments would fit right in there with the ones already given. Pretty good, though.
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